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Featured Articles

Husky Huckster Michael Moore Goes on a Brunch-Time Death-Spree
Iraqi Nuke Gear Smuggled to Europe
Newsjackers Unite
Shock and Awe Revisited
Maureen Dowd Writes a Column
Paul Krugman Accidentally Tells the Truth
Europe: Let the Palestinians Finish What We Began

Top Top Tens

Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Kerry
NYT Headlines Spinning Bush's Jobs Boom
Things People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did You Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?"
Other Bad Things About the Jews, According to the Koran
Signs That David Letterman Just Doesn't Care Anymore
Other Judgments Dick Clarke Made About Condi Rice Based on Her Appearance
Collective Names for Groups of People
John Kerry's Other Vietnam Super-Pets
Cool Things About the XM8 Assault Rifle
Media-Approved Facts About the Democrat Spy
Changes to Make Christianity More "Inclusive"
Secret John Kerry Senatorial Accomplishments
John Edwards Campaign Excuses
John Kerry Pick-Up Lines
Changes Liberal Senator George Michell Will Make at Disney
Torments in Dog-Hell

the (nearly) Complete
Paul Anka

Primary Document: The Audio
Paul Anka Haiku Contest Announcement
Integrity SAT's: Entrance Exam for Paul Anka's Band
AllahPundit's Paul Anka 45's Collection
AnkaPundit: Paul Anka Takes Over the Site for a Weekend (Continues through to Monday's postings)

Greatest Hitjobs

A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)


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Ace of Spades HQ

Another Technical Award 

Okay. Another of these stupid fuckin' awards. Quite frankly, I don't understand what this contest is even about. What's all this cursing and talking about "substance"? Does that make any sense to you, John?

You know. The Younger Generation. They watch crazy shows like The Monkees. Who knows what the hell they're thinking.

You got that right. Call me old-fashioned, but any country that spurns an Andy Williams in favor of one of these hep-cat jazz-rock-'n-roller types like Fabio is a nation on the decline.

Anyway. Next award. I'm supposed to read this card: "This is the "The Band is Only Important 'In the Totality'" Award for Special Technical Achievement in a Haiku Involving the Other Members of the Band. The writer of this haiku takes the interesting tact of making a poem out of the words of the other people in the band. It's called 'Sorry.'" Read the haiku, John.


I am sorry I
Was late because I am kinda
Waiting for you.

It's by some guy calling himself Chex McBamp.

Again with the crazy names. These kids and their crazy jazz and crazy names and their computers. Who can figure it?

Not I.

No shit, not you, John. You can't even figure the fuckin' key-changes on Times of Their Lives, you sure the fuck aren't going to figure out the younger generation.

Anyway, the prize for this guy is the following: "Two (2) soiled, greasy bandanas worn by Mickey Rourke in the blockbuster action-adventure Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man."

I don't know. That doesn't sound like a good prize to me.

Crazy kids.

You got that right.

Mr. Paul Anka on Gay Marriage 

Okay, so I'm supposed to comment on politics. So, I guess everyone's talking about gays getting married. I guess I shouldn't say gays. What's the right word? What's the word I'm looking for, John?


You're a fucking moron, you know that John?

I guess the right word for gays now is, I don't know, gay homosexuals. I guess that pretty much covers all the bases.

So, I don't know how I feel about gay-homosexuals gettin' married. I mean, you know. Sal Mineo and Liberace were cool cats, I guess, but if they were going to get married...

Assuming they were still alive?

No, John. Assuming they were fucking dead. I swear to everything holy, you throw one more bit of stupid shit in my fuckin' direction and I'm going to kill you. I will physically, literally kill you. I'll stab you through the fuckin' head with this microphone stand.

But, so, they're nice guys. Granted. But I don't know if I'd feel comfortable attending their marriage. I mean, just for starters, what would I get them?

You see my problem?

It would be a quandary.

A quandry, you got that right. What the fuck do you get Liberace for his gay wedding?

He seemed to like rhinestones.

Well, yeah. But is that a wedding-gift? A bag of loose rhinestones?

He'd probably register.

Oh, yeah, he'd definitely be the type to register. So, that would be all right, I guess. I could just go down and get him, what?

A soup tureen.

Right. A soup tureen, a butter-dish, some fucking silver salad-service or something.


But, would I have to... I wouldn't have to... you know. I wouldn't have to buy him, like, any gay crap would I?

Like what?

You know. The gay-crap those people buy.


No. You know. Gay-crap. The things those people use. You know. Rubber things. Things they use in performance of their gay-homosexual proclivities.

Oh, no. Not for a wedding.

That would be out of line, right?

Right. Maybe for an anniversary.

Because, you know, I wouldn't want to have to like shopping at a special gay-store or anything.

I don't think you'd have to.

You know I can't be seen shopping in some gay-store. I've got a reputation.

Solid gold.

Everyone knows I like the ladies.

Straight as an arrow.

I've got women fans. Mostly women fans, actually.

All-Man. Heart-throb crooner.

So, all right. So long as I don't have to queer it up at some pansy boutiquery, then I've got no problem with Sal Mineo and Liberace getting hitched.

So I guess, who gives a fuck, queeries getting married is just jake by me. I guess that's my fuckin' opinion.

That's my opinion. That's Paul Anka's opinion on gay marriage.

How'd I do on that one, John? Did I sound pretty good?

A true professional.

I think I started off shaky but I really came on strong at the end. This won't be so hard.

I am Paul Anka. I am the only important one on this screen.

Welcome; First Award 

Testing, testing, check one?

Okay. Welcome to this, uhhh, what is this, John?

This thing.

Right. Welcome to this thing.

First of all, I'm supposed to read this to you all:

"We may or may not give out all the awards today. Sorry, but the Significant Others have their own agenda. We just didn't really plan this thing through as well as we might have."

You hear that, John?

I heard that.

What's that sound like to you?

Sounds like we've got some sort of squirrelly operation here.

Fuckin' right, squirrelly. I'm doing this stupid gig and now I find out the promoter doesn't know which fuckin' way is up? Why didn't you fuckin' look into this, John? To find out if these fuckin' people knew which fuckin' way was up?

I guess I fucked up.

Story of my fucking life. The story gets old, John. Do you know which fuckin' way is up, John?


Do you?

I think I do, yes.

Well fuckin' show me, John. Point me some knowledge which fuckin' way is up.

(John gestures upwards)

Huh. Lucky fuckin' guess. This is going to be a long fuckin' weekend.

Don't I know it.

What was that?

I said, You got it, Boss.

I thought you said something else. Anyway, here's the first fuckin' award.

This award is the "What is the Confusion on These Fuckin' Endings?" Award.

And I'm supposed to read this: "This award goes to a haiku whose writer apparently doesn't give a shit about the proper cut-offs to a fuckin' contest, and sent this in a half-our after the fuckin' deadline cut-off. He's got no fuckin' heart, no fuckin' character, no fucking substance, he just sends in his haiku whenever he wants because he doesn't give a shit. But he wrote a good haiku."

Who curses that much? Why the fuck is this guy cursing so much in written lines?

I don't know.

Squirrelly fuckin' operation, John. Squirrelly. If I had Vinny Falcone down here, we'd put this shit straight.

Continuing with this written bullshit:

"The haiku, nearly Integrity but actually Loose Shit, reads thus." Read the fuckin' haiku, John.

Candidate Kerry
You're on fucking notice, John
You got no substance

It's by a guy named CrankyObjectivist.

What the fuck kind of name is that? Is he trying to be fuckin' funny or something with a fuckin' name like that?

I don't know. It's what's on the card.

Okay. So there's the first winner. And I'm supposed to read this:

"For submitting a haiku that combines an attack on John Kerry with insight about substance, but doing so after the proper fuckin' cut-off, Cranky Objectivist wins the following prize:

"Ace of Spades HQ's extensive collection of Steven Seagall videotapes and DVD's, including Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Out for Justice, and most recent feature, Straight to Video."

(feigning interest) Well. That sure sounds like a nice prize.


I mean, Steven Seagall. You've got no complaints there. Class all the way.

The man is a giant.

Sure. The karate-guy, right?

A latter-day Chuck Conners.


This is going to be a long fucking weekend, John.

Don't I know it.

Introducing... the Fantabulous Mr. Paul Anka 

Check one, check one check check check one

check one, check one two

the quick brown fox jumped overuthe lazyzod

the quiekc borwn

the quicoke borwn

Ahhh, this is already all going to shit. You see that? You see what the fuck I'm talking about here, John?

I see it.

Well what the fuck? What the fuck is that, John?

I guess I fucked up.

You fucked up. You're fucking right you fucked up. Five minutes into this bullshit gig and you've already got me crazier than a shithouse rat. You see that, John? You see what the fuck you're doing to me?

You're the boss.

You're goddamned right. You're god-damned right, John. I am the boss.

Do I ask for too much? I only asked you for one fucking thing, John. ONE FUCKING THING!

I asked you to come with me on this bullshit internet thing, and use your previous training as a roadie and light-guy to become a professional computer operator and programmer. And that's all I fucking asked! That's all I fucking asked!

Do you remember when I asked you to do that?

I do.

Do you remember?


When did I ask you to do that for me, John?

This morning.

That's fucking right, John. I asked you not sixteen fucking hours ago to become a professional web-designer, typist, and stenographer and you didn't do that did you, John?

I guess not.

You're on thin fucking ice here, John. You got that?


Now what the fuck is this gig supposed to be anyway?

Some kind of computer-thing, I reckon.

How the fuck are people gonna hear me sing over the computer?

I wasn't clear on that myself. I think they want you to just, well, give out some awards or something.

I fucking know that, John.

I'm just saying.

I'm just saying, what the hell is the point of getting me to do this if I'm not going to swing?

(cautious shrug)

So I give out awards. And I comment on, like, the news or whatever.

I guess.

For the whole weekend.

That's the information I have.

What is this, like a Telethon? Is it for retards or something? I'm sorry-- I shouldn't say "retards." I mean, is this for, uh, mental retards or something? Is that the word now? "Mental Retards?"

It's for something. I don't know what for. Mental retards or what.

You've always got the intelligent fucking input, don't you John?


Five minutes into this, and I already want to fucking kill you John. I want to beat you to death with crude bludgeons fashioned from your own severed limbs, John.

(smiling) Heh. Just like the old days.

Yeah. Just like the old days.

Now get the fuck out of my sight. I want to explore the space, and I don't want your decrepit, incompetent fuckin' retard-face in my eyeline.

(shuffles out)

("exploring the space")

This is it.

This is my fucking come-back, baby.

(breathes in to do pre-show meditation)

I am the only important one on this screen.

I am the only important one on this screen.

I am the only important one on this screen.


Rasmussen Tracking Poll: Bush 47%, Kerry 44% 

And we likes da trend!

The results are from after Condi Rice's announcement that she'll testify before the 9-11 commission: "Prior to that time, Kerry had a modest lead over Bush. Now, however, the survey results are back to where they were before Richard Clarke's accusations kicked off a media frenzy nearly two weeks ago.

"The President's Job Approval rating is now at its highest level since Clarke appeared on 60 Minutes. Also, for the first time this year, Republicans hold a slight edge on the Generic Congressional Ballot."

It suggests a haiku:

America, Who Are You Watching?

Clarke's a biased hump;
three-hundred-thousand new jobs:
It is in the bag.

Penn & Teller's Bullshit! Makes Us Almost Respect Magicians 


Here's a review in the amateur web-zine Slate in which a prissy liberal prig whines about how Penn & Teller curse and insult in the process of attacking their opponents. You can guess how much we appreciate that particular point of view. Still, the review is very positive.

And it should be. This is pretty much the most conservative show on television, guys. Week after week they attack unmitigated Bullshit of all sorts.

And the left is far more full of bullshit and fakey science, isn't it?

Our favorite episode last season was the one in which they debunked both "global warming" and bottled water.

Unbelievably funny. To prove that people were only imagining that bottled water tasted better or was "purer," they put tap water into a bottle and claimed it was "Amazon" brand bottled water, then offered it to patrons at a restaurant.

The bottle had a little something extra in it-- a big, real, dead spider. And they didn't hide that spider. They showed the people that dead spider. They bragged about that dead spider.

They claimed was something put into every bottle of Amazon water, because the spider -- the "Amazon arachnid" -- helped filter out the impurities in the water.

And people drank it. And claimed they could taste the additional purity.


The purity of the water. In which was floating a big, dead spider. The extra purity that the dead spider floating in the water was providing.

(Andrew Sullvian Rowback Alert!)

We're reminded of the fact that this premeired last night, but it's still as fresh as it ever was, especially if you have Showtime On Demand.

Europe: Let the Palestinians Finished What We Started 

Europe is quite insistant that the Jews in Israel stop with all this counter-productive resistance to genocide:

Jerusalem ( - European lawmakers Thursday accused Israel of perpetrating state terrorism, and threatened to suspend the current Israel-EU trade agreement if any more "Palestinian" terrorist leaders were vaporized by IAF helicopter gun ships.


And in a bizarre twist, Europe absolved itself of any culpability in "Palestinian" terror, claiming there was absolutely no evidence any of the millions of dollars it had given PLO chief Yasser Arafat had found their way into the pockets of terrorists.

This is a question we always like to ask our enlightened European friends:

How, exactly, do you think all of those Jews got to Israel in the first place?

They didn't just suddenly emigrate there from Tennessee. Do you remember where all that Jewry you so destest were living before they moved to Israel?

If you're having trouble, let us give you a hint: Think back to, oh, the late thirties and forties and so.

Ring any bells?

It continues to astound us that Europe -- Europe, where Germans made lampshades out of the skin of butchered Jews, where Frenchmen gladly conducted Jews on to the death-trains, where Ukranians and Poles and Italians gladly assisted in Nazi genocide, that is, when they weren't conducing anti-Jew pogroms themselves-- continue to be so angry that all those Jews had the bad manners to move someplace else.

Yeah, there are problems in Israel. There are always problems when a great mass of displaced persons settles in to a new region.

But --when all of you enlightened Europeans were killing Jews by the millions-- where the hell did you think they were going to go afterwards?

Did you just expect them to wade into the oceans and drown themselves, simply because you could no longer abide them living amongst you?

Since Europe created Israel -- or rather, the need for Israel -- one would think they'd be a little hesitant to bully Israel all the time.

If Europe wants to settle this problem, why don't they show a little responsibility for creating it? They can start by offering automatic EU citizenship for all Palestinians who voluntarily choose to emigrate to Europe. Not all will go, of course, but many will, and voluntarily (gladly, even)!

Suddenly there will be far more land for the remaining Palestinians. Problem solved!

But the Europeans -- the enlightened Europeans -- won't ever do that, of course. Because they just got done nearly exterminating one detested "foreign ethnic group" fifty years ago; they'll be damned before they go about adding another one.

All Your Link-Whoring Are Belong To Us 

A blogger we just read (sorry, forget who) noted that he was already getting traffic back by simply linking Nick Denton's new venture,, which is apparently some sort of a communal mass-blog.

We at Ace of Spades HQ would never troll for traffic simply by linking some site that links back. We have little use for Nick Denton, or his idiotic new blog-ventures.

We're above all that nonsense. Hmmmm... it's been at least a couple of days since we slapped around Oliver Willis.

Hero of the Day: Michael Friedman 

Michael Friedman decided he wasn't going to just sit around being pissed off about Daily Kos' seditious death-wishing on Americans. He contacted the Democratic candidates advertising on Kos' site and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that a continued association with this pig would be impolitic.

Nice work, sir. When you move, you...

(Okay, even we're getting tired of it now. Thank goodness the contest is over tonight!)

Bomb Found on Spanish Rail Line Similar to Those Used in 3-11 Massacre 

Florida Cracker's got the link.

She's also got something to say to the Spaniards.

Arab Press More Respectful of American War-Dead Than American Leftists 

Thanks to Nick Kronos, who posted this at ThePerfectWorld:

The spectacle of the mutilated remains of four American contractors being paraded through the streets of Fallujah will have turned the stomachs of all who saw this savagery on their television screens. This was mob violence at its worst.

Those who participated in the butchery must be punished. The mob may oppose the Coalition occupation. They may support the insurgents. They may count the death of soldiers as victories. But there is no understanding the brutish slaughter of four unarmed men who were working to rebuild their country. It was a senseless crime of great barbarity.


Many people in Iraq may hate the American-led occupation, but that does not mean they can behave like rabid dogs and tear apart the bodies of innocent civilians who were there to build up, not beat down, Iraq. It is hard at such times for the voice of moderation to make itself heard. Nevertheless, honest Iraqis, including those in the city of Fallujah, and all honest Arabs, owe it to themselves to say loudly that Wednesday's carnage was wrong.

Is that from some "right-wing warmonger's" site? Nope, it's from Arab News.

Compare with "American" blogger Daily Kos:

"That said, I feel nothing over the death of merceneries. They aren't in Iraq because of orders, or because they are there trying to help the people make Iraq a better place. They are there to wage war for profit. Screw them."

Rhetorical question: If Kos no longer even feels the need to pretend to care if his fellow Americans are butchered and killed, is anyone else required to pretend the same about Kos?

Just asking.

Just-to-Make-Sure-You-Saw-It Addendum: Michael Williams is in a similar situation to the contractors killed in Fallujah, and he's got a message for Daily Kos.

He's also got the screen-shot of the now-deleted "Screw them" post.

Fresh Update!: Spoons reports that some of Kos' ads have disappeared. Aw, shucks. His right to free speech is being "chilled."

Another Update: We're not sure, but AllahPundit might have had this first.

In any event, he's got pictures. Including one of vile rat Kos. Who, if he's the one we think he is, looks exactly like you'd expect this snivelling little panytwaist to look like.

Clarification: Nick found this independently. We only meant that AllahPundit got there before us. We don't know who won the AllahPundit v. Nick race. Nick never posts without attribution.

Paul Wolfowitz: When We Move on Fallujah, We Will Slice Like Fucking Hammers 


Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz briefed members of Congress behind closed doors on possible US responses to the killings this week of four US contractors in the restive Iraqi city of Fallujah.

"I think that history will prove that the folks that have taken actions against Americans have underestimated our capabilities to, number one, identify those people; and, number two, to eliminate them," Representative Duncan Hunter, the chairman of the House Armed Services Committee.

Slice away, American soldiers. Slice like the wind.

"Patriotic Liberal" Alert 

"Every death should be on the front page

Let the people see what war is like. This isn't an Xbox game. There are real repercussions to Bush's folly.

That said, I feel nothing over the death of merceneries. They aren't in Iraq because of orders, or because they are there trying to help the people make Iraq a better place. They are there to wage war for profit. Screw them."

-- Top-Ten Blogger The Daily Kos.

This post would seem to have been flushed down the deletion-hole, or at least we can't find it now. This little traitor later realized he's gone to far and decided to "explain" his previous remarks.

Why, it turns out it wasn't that he didn't care about these "mercenaries;" oh, no. It's that he cared too much about these "mercenaries;" that's what made him so gosh-durned angry. Caring so durned much caused him to say he didn't care:

So not only was I wrong to say I felt nothing over their deaths, I was lying. I felt way too much. Nobody deserves to die. But in the greater scheme of things, there are a lot of greater tragedies going on in Iraq (51 last month, plus countless civilians and Iraqi police). That those tragedies are essentially ignored these days is, ultimately, the greatest tragedy of all.

You know how it is, right? Happens every day.

What's Michael Kinsley's definition of a gaffe, again? Oh, yes: When one accidentally says what one truly believes.

These little Quisling traitors hop up and down when it's suggested that there's a Fifth Column in this country. When we have shit-bags like this actively praying for the deaths of our heroic American "mercenaries," whoops, we mean soldiers, what the hell else can you call it?

Via a lot of people. Instapundit, LGF, and Right Wing News, which is where were we originally saw the story.

Update: We think Right Wing News made this point: Democratic Congressional candidates are advertising on this fine patriotic American's site.

Like this woman:

Do you think this fine lady should be informed about the treasonous sites she's advertising on?

Do you think her would-be constituents should be so informed?

Another Update: Michael Williams is in a similar situation to the contractors killed in Fallujah, and he's got a message for Daily Kos.

He's also got the screen-shot of the now-deleted "Screw them" post.

Massachusetts Liberals: We Only Want to Argue for Higher Taxes, Not Actually Pay Higher Taxes 

Okay, this one is a little complex to set up. But in Massachusetts, liberals said they wanted a higher state income tax rate and pushed for one. They failed.

But Republicans were kind enough (giggle) to let them put their money where their ever-running mouths were: they put in a special measure allowing individual tax-payers to individually choose to pay the higher state income tax rate the liberals claimed they wanted.

Got that?

Guess what percentage of these tax-loving liberals actually chose to pay the higher tax rate?

Here's a clue: If you're number starts off with anything larger than zero-point something, you're already too high.

And there's actually a delicious potential angle to this, as Boston Irish notes.

We won't spoil it. Suffice to say there may be one or two Massachusetts residents whose forms he'd like to see.

You savvy?

In Attempt to One-Up Bush's Explosive Job Creation, Kerry Promises to Create "Eleventy-Three Bazillion New Jobs" 


He says he'll make sure every American has eleven or twelve "good-paying" jobs, and that even infants and toddlers are gainfully employed. "Our babies have had it too soft for too long," the Pandering Princeling said. "They spend all day blowing spit-bubbles and making poopie-stinkies. It's time they started pulling their own weight. It's time we put their fat pink asses to work researching clean and alternative fuel technologies."

In related news, "the Trombone player" says that he wants to keep his job.

Update! Nick Kronos -- this guy should be an NHL goalie; you can't slip anything past him -- points out that John Kerry is promising to create 10 million new jobs over four years, or forty-eight months. That works out, he says (and we believe him) to 209,000 jobs per month.

Which represents 100,000 fewer jobs than Bush created in March.

Vote for John Kerry!

He promises to produce fewer jobs than Bush.

We Misled You 

If you didn't see the update, the story we posted below about Reuters spinning the explosive job growth was completely wrong. That story is real, but it was published Wednesday, and, while it can be deemed an example of the media's wishful-thinking on bad economic news, it can't be called a response to today's official job figures. Obviously.

So, we're sorry.

To fix matters, we offer this Andrew Sullivan style rowback:

"We were reminded of a recent Reuters polemic about the 'jobless recovery.' Yes, the article is old, but its message of media bias remains as fresh as ever."

There. All fixed, and no one got much hurt.

AllahPundit Breaks Out the Paul Anka 45's 

All right. AllahPundit sent us a preview of pics from his extensive Paul Anka record collection last night, and we just about laughed ourselves silly. But he asked for an embargo. Until just now:

That's just a taste. There's more. So very much more.

This must be the best damn day we've ever blogged. And we needed it, after yesterday's massacre of our American heroes.

Erroneous, Embarassing Post (Was: You Just Can't Out-Parody the Liberal Media's Self-Parody) 

NOTE: This whole post is wrong! We screwed up like the Dickens! See correction at end!

Did anyone find that Top Ten list too silly?

Well check this out:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Job creation unexpectedly stalled in the U.S. Midwest in March, a report showed on Wednesday, tempering optimism that Friday's national employment report will show hiring at last picking up.

Ah. We see.

Even during the jobs-slump, jobs were being created in some states and sectors. Some states were doing well. But no one much bothered to report that.

But now that the national figures show booming job growth, suddenly Reuters is very, very interested in doing a state-by-state analysis.


A survey of regional business conditions in the Chicago area showed that overall business activity expanded for the 11th straight month in March, albeit at a much slower pace than many had expected.

Ah. The regional economy expanded, then, but at a "much slower pace" than "many" expected.

Check out the picture that's running with this story:

And the caption:

Trader Jeffrey Worley reacts to trading in the S&P futures pit at the Chicago Mercantile Exchange March 31, 2004. U.S. stocks fell as investors soured on disappointing data on factory orders and business conditions in the Midwest.

Stocks fell?

Well, yes, we're sure some stocks fell, as they always do. But it seems to us that the great majority of stocks increased in price.

Is this a joke or what? Is someone pulling our leg? This can't be a real story, can it?

Hat tip to some liberal poster "M@," who posted this in the comments to an earlier post. M@ takes a great deal of satisfaction in this story.

Our biggest, dumbest correction yet! Morpheus tips us in the comments that we're complete dumb-asses, as this story was published on Wednesday!!!

And the stock markets, he says, did initially fall on these reports on Wednesday!

Aiiiiyyyyy! Man, did we think we had an awesome scoop! But we're retards!

There's a lot of fucking loose shit going on here, and we're all on fucking notice. This blog is on this ice.

Do we like our blog?

Well, do we want to keep our blog?

Well do we?

We will straighten this shit out. That's just the kind of integrity-kick we're on.

Today's Top Ten 

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. employment rose last month at the fastest pace in nearly four years as hiring increased across a wide array of industries, the government said on Friday in a surprisingly strong report that stunned financial markets.

The report offers comfort to President Bush as the jobs market -- a hot political issue in the U.S. presidential campaign -- finally made a decisive break out of a long slump....

Non-farm payrolls climbed 308,000 in March, helped a bit by the return of workers after a labor dispute at California grocery stores ended, the Labor Department said. This was the biggest gain since April 2000 and well above the 103,000 rise expected on Wall Street.


Payroll growth in previous months was also revised higher, by a total of 86,000 jobs. January's gain was revised from 97,000 to 159,000 while February's was revised to 46,000 from 21,000.

...from the Home Office in Pocatello, Idaho...

Top Ten New York Times Headlines on the Explosive New-Jobs Figures

10. New Trends in Economy Will Displace Many Workers; Hundreds of DNC Staffers Likely to Lose Their Bullshit, Daddy-Got-Me Jobs

9. Despite Improving Job Picture, Many Americans Report They Still Regularly Suffer From "A Bad Case of the Mondays"

8. In Ohio, Heroes Confronted With Heartbreaking Choices: Returning Iraq War Veterans Must Choose Between $65,000 Per Year Out of State or $55,000 Per Year Closer to Home

7. In Subtle Strategic Shift, Terry McAuliffe Announces New Democratic Campaign Slogan: "Who Gives a Wet Shit About Jobs, Anyhow?"

6. Robert Reich Slams Bush Administration for Growing Gap Between Upper Middle Class and Lower Upper Class

5. Silent Slaughter: Environmentalists Estimate that 50,000 Old-Growth Trees Will Be Killed in Coming Months To Print Useless Orientation Pamphlets for New Hires

4. Non-Partisan Council for Economic and Social Justice Decries March 2004 as "A Month of Greed"

3. While America Produced 308,000 Jobs in March, John Edwards Frets that Only 21,000 Jobs were Produced in the Other America

2. The Dark Side of Employment: Increasing Work-Loads Require Workers to Choose Between Over-Time and Leisure Time; Minorities, Single Women Hardest Hit

...and the Number One New York Times Headline on the Explosive New-Jobs Figures...

1. Announcing His Retirement, a Rueful Paul Krugman Remarks "It sure was fun while it lasted!"

But There's So Much More!!! 

Payroll growth in previous months was also revised higher, by a total of 86,000 jobs. January's gain was revised from 97,000 to 159,000 while February's was revised to 46,000 from 21,000.

Thanks to Insty.



WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. employment rose last month at the fastest pace in nearly four years as hiring increased across a wide array of industries, the government said on Friday in a surprisingly strong report that stunned financial markets.

The report offers comfort to President Bush as the jobs market -- a hot political issue in the U.S. presidential campaign -- finally made a decisive break out of a long slump. Nevertheless, U.S. jobs lost since Bush took office still number a hefty 1.8 million. [Bitch, bitch, bitch.]

Non-farm payrolls climbed 308,000 in March, helped a bit by the return of workers after a labor dispute at California grocery stores ended, the Labor Department said. This was the biggest gain since April 2000 and well above the 103,000 rise expected on Wall Street.

How about a little Political $25,000 Pyramid?

A bowling ball, garbage, this election...

"Things that are in the bag!!!"

Ding ding ding ding ding.

In Related News:

Terry McAuliffe Has Nine Massive Heart Attacks Simutaneously; Medical Community Stunned

Princeton Economist Paul Krugman Attempts to Hang Himself; But Finds He is Too Fucking Short to Reach the Ceiling-Fan

Quietly, Aides Take Shoelaces and Sharp Objects Out of Reach of John Kerry


Suspicions Remain that Tim McVeigh and Terry Nichols had Al Qaeda Connection 

LA Weekly: Some of the questions involve a stolen truck supsected of being used in connection with the Murrah Building bombing:

Police spokesperson Captain Jeffrey Becker says three sets of fingerprints were found on the pickup: one on the driver's-side window, a second on the frame around that window, and a third set near the driver's-side door handle. Becker says his department ran the prints through a nationwide criminal database but came up empty. The police then handed the truck and the fingerprints over to the FBI. "We never heard back from them," says Becker. "We never knew where it was stolen or heard anything about a suspect."

A resident of the complex where the pickup was dumped, speaking confidentially, says he saw the truck parked at the complex a week after the bombing....

His wife told Ellis she remembered the driver because he glared at her. She said he was "clean-shaven, with an olive complexion, dark wavy hair, broad shoulders, 28 to 34 years old, and of Middle Eastern descent."

Correction: We originally said the LA Times reported this story. We got the Weekly & Times mixed up. We knew it was the smaller, less kneejerk liberal paper; we just forgot what the smaller paper was called.


"The Way They... Surround" Interviews with "Undecided Voters" 

This is such run-of-the-mill, SOP Times bias we feel silly even mentioning it.

But whatever.

Here's an article in which the NYT interviews "undecided" voters. Some voters say they voted for Bush in 2000, but will now vote against him because he "misled" us on Iraq. A couple of voters say they voted against Bush in 2000, but are now leaning towards voting for him.

Just take a wild guess:

Which voters get their say before the jump? And who gets the important final word on the matter?

So... we get five anti-Bush voters, two pro-Bush voters. The anti-Bush voters get quoted before the jump, and then get to conclude their prosecution with the last word on the matter.

We will acknowledge this: Under Howell Raines, there wouldn't have been any pro-Bush voters interviewed at all. Time and time again, Howell Raines' crew of hardnosed reporters roamed through entire midwestern, southwestern, and southern cities and states, futilely searching without ever once encountering that most rare and fantastical creature we term a "Bush supporter."

So, we guess, kudos for even bothering to mention those Bush supporters.

Rasmussen Polling: Half of Americans Now Deem Dick Clarke a Partisan Hump 

The interesting thing is this: The poll actually asked "Do you agree or disagree with the statement, 'Richard Clarke is a partisan hump'?"

Well, okay, no it didn't. We made that up.

Half of likely voters believe Clarke was acting out of partisan or commercial motives when attacking Bush. Only 39% said he was acting out of being a "concerned citizen."

As John McClane says, "Welcome to the party, pal."

And we're not done with this hump yet.

Today's Top Ten 

"I'm fascinated by rap and by hip-hop. I think there's a lot of poetry in it. There's a lot of anger, a lot of social energy in it. And I think you'd better listen to it pretty carefully, 'cause it's important.

"I'm still listening because I know that it's a reflection of the street and a reflection of life, and I understand all that."
-- John "The Pandering Princeling" Kerry

...from the special one-time Home Office in Compton, LA...

Top Ten Influences Hip-Hop Has Had on John Kerry

10. Is on record as a staunch opponent of "frontin'" oil corporations, but supports small family-owned businesses which are "just tryin' to represent"

9. Frequently concludes anti-Bush speeches by dropping microphone and striking "down" pose while exposing his "Senator Thug" belly-tatoo

8. Never once worked for the man; got himself some high-payin' bitches and has just been pimpin' and chillin' with the bling-bling ever since

7. Pro-"jimmies," but favors controlling "nines"

6. Developed his own martial arts style combining elements of Korean Hapkiddo and pop n' lock "robot" technique of Boogaloo Shrimp from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

5. Has dedicated his public life to helping working American families get the tools and assistance they need for raising their "shorties"

4. Starred in late-eighties "rap-com," The Fresh Brahmin of Beacon Hill; series featured frequent cameos by senior Senator from Massachusetts, DJ Pantless Ted

3. Wrote and co-sponsored SR 371, nicknamed the "Truth and Quality in Dropping Rhymes Bill;" bill had laudable goal of finally outlawing "suckah MC's who gots no skills," but was defeated by a posse of playah-hatin' Southern Republicans on a voice-vote

2. Known for always "keeping his pimp-hand strong" when negotiating in conference

...and the Number One Influence Hip-Hop Has Had on John Kerry...

1. At his acceptance speech at Democratic National Convention, Kerry plans to give much love to the Creator, all peace to JC, props to his producers No-Bonze and Jellything from Bad Boy Entertainment, and a special "shout-out" to his agent Myron G. Herskovitz

Update-- Runners Up:

During Impeachment Trial, gave impassioned defense of Clinton in which he pleaded with fellow Senators, "Don't hate the player-- hate the game"

Vietnamese hooker singing "Me So Horny" on 2 Live Crew's eponymous single is actually John Kerry's illegitimate 'Cong daughter

Think MC Hammer's originated those Sultan-of-Swoop parachute pants? Check out John Kerry's June 1988 appearance on Meet the Press -- notice anything familiar?

Accepted a 1997 BET Spirit Award for Lifetime Achievement on behalf of Klyymaxx

At 1999 Rap for Reproductive Rights, explained the importance of the constitutional right to abortion first announced in the seminal case, Rizzle Vizzle Wadizzle

Ron Smart's XFL nickname, "He Hate Me," was actually borrowed from John Kerry's 1992 Senatorial re-election campaign slogan, "He Legislate Me"

Yo! John Kerry Raps 

Boston Irish picks through the pandering princeling's scary-hip thoughts on rap.

Interestingly, John Kerry claims to be against rap that exhorts people to kill policemen.

This would seem to be something of a flip-flop, as he previously was neutral on the issue of killing Senators.

General Kimmitt: An "Overwhelming" Response is on the Way 

Let's hope they deliver. It's time to take the gloves off.

And you can't make empty threats to these people. They take that as a confirmation of their own righteousness and our weakness. Let's pray this is a Bushian "overwhelming response," and not a Clintonian one.

"We wish that they would try to enter Fallujah so we'd let hell break loose," Ahmed al-Dulaimi said.

Oh, Ahmed, we wish that too.

"We will not let any foreigner enter Fallujah," said Sameer Sami. "Yesterday's attack is proof of how much we hate the Americans."

Okay. Looks like we've got two names already. There's a start.

Clarke: Partisan Tool 

Instapundit linked this, so probably everyone knows about it, but if you haven't read it, it's worth it. Belgravia Dispatch quotes Clarke's sharply-partisan language and wonders how this guy can be taken seriously as some sort of disinterested, politically-neutral truth-teller.

Just a taste:

"I was angrier, almost incredulous, that the bitterness of Clinton's enemies knew no bounds, that they intended to hurt not just Clinton but the country by turning the President's personal problem into a global, public circus for their own political ends."

Yeah, that pretty much sounds like a politically-neutral non-partisan to us.

No heart, no character, no substance; he just takes the money.

Kerry "Can't Recall" Being at Kill-Senators Meet  

In the past couple of weeks, some media and Internet reports have raised questions about whether Kerry was at the meeting and, if he heard about the assassination plot, whether he alerted authorities.

Kerry has long been portrayed as not being at the Kansas City, Mo., meeting because Kerry recalled quitting the organization at an acrimonious July 1971 session, four months before the November meeting at which the assassination plot was discussed.

Okay, now this is bad:

But two weeks ago, Nicosia said he examined some FBI reports that he had obtained during research for his book but had not reviewed. One report said Kerry was at the November meeting in Kansas City. The report, from an unnamed confidential source, said "John Kerry, a national VVAW leader, appeared at the meeting and announced to those present he was resigning from the executive committee for personal reasons; however, he would be available to speak for VVAW." The report does not mention discussion of a plot to kill senators; instead, it mentions that the group planned activities such as "a fast, a vigil, and guerrilla theater."

But another FBI report from the same period adds that an informant at the Kansas City meeting heard a "vastly more militant posture," prompting an FBI official to add this cautionary note: "Some information reports by various informants is at variance and considering extreme importance of developments in this matter and intense interest of other government agencies, it is essential that full details of meeting be ascertained accurately and immediately." The reports indicate that the FBI information about Kerry came not from FBI agents but from informants who fed information to the government. Thus, the reliability of the reports is difficult to verify.

If true: Kerry was willing to continue to speak on behalf of a domestic terrorist organization considering a plan to assassinate high government officials.

That's new information. That moves the story forward. Until now, the claim had always been that an outraged John Kerry resigned from the organization. Now, if this story is true, it appears that John Kerry symbolically resigned from a terrorist organization, but was willing to continue working with them.

So long as it got him on television/in front of an audience of horny Dartmouth co-eds.

What will cause Kerry additional discomfort is that the mainstream-liberal Boston Globe is now reporting on this story.

Nah, it's not exactly the feeding-frenzy that the AWOL non-story was; and of course it won't be. The media will refuse to take much interest in this story. But they'll be required to at least feign an interest, and, despite their attempts to manage and contain it, the story will get out.

Papers Prove Clinton Knew About Rwandan Genocide; Lied to Justify Inaction 

Nothing to see here, people. Move on! Nothing to see here, people.

US president Bill Clinton's administration knew Rwanda was being engulfed by genocide in April 1994 but buried the information to justify its inaction, classified documents made available for the first time reveal.

Senior officials privately used the word genocide within 16 days of the start of the killings, but chose not to do so publicly because the president had already decided not to intervene.

Intelligence reports obtained using the US Freedom of Information Act show the cabinet and almost certainly the president knew of a planned "final solution to eliminate all Tutsis" before the slaughter reached its peak.

It took Hutu death squads three months from April 6 to murder about 800,000 Tutsis and moderate Hutus and at each stage accurate, detailed reports were reaching Washington policymakers.

The documents undermine claims by Mr Clinton and his officials that they did not fully appreciate the scale and speed of the killings.

"It's powerful proof that they knew," said Alison des Forges, a Human Rights Watch researcher and authority on the genocide.

Manufacturing Grows for 10th Straight Month; Hints of Employment Boom 

Good news:

"It looks like the factory sector is really ramping up and is now in the midst of a strong, broad-based recovery," Wachovia senior economist Mark Vitner said.

The survey showed factory jobs growth picked up, with the employment index rising 0.7 point to 57.0. It was the fifth month of expanding manufacturing employment in the survey following a 37-month contraction.

March's employment figures come out tomorrow, but economists forecast 120,000+ new jobs:

US employment data for March, to be released Friday, could swing the outlook for the election.

Private economists on average predict the government figures will show the economy churned out 123,000 jobs in March, after a paltry gain of 21,000 in February.

Some economists even tip a gain in manufacturing employment in the month, after a 43-month stretch of net factory layoffs.

Vitner forecast a surge of 225,000 jobs in March, putting in place the last piece of the economic recovery. He tipped US economic growth of nearly five percent in 2004.

Hmmmm... Maybe getting ahead of ourselves, but we like his moxie. Looks like Vitner is supporting us with all the enthusiasm we've got for it.

Iraqi Ex-Pat: Chemical Weapons Were Stored in Underground Bunkers 

This guy seems to disagree with David Kay.

Hat tip to Lauraw, who's on a WMD's integrity-kick.


FAQ: What's With All This Paul Anka Crap? 

If you're new, you probably came here expecting right-wing commentary, and you're bewildered by all the Paul Anka posts.

Well, it all began here, when we discovered a side-splittingly funny audiotape of soft-soap crooner Paul Anka chewing out his band's ass for fifteen minutes.

We had so much fun with that tape we started a Paul Anka haiku contest.

At any rate, this isn't a Paul Anka fan site, and if this bores you, we'll be all finished with it by Saturday.


In the meantime, if you don't find any of this funny, just skip over the Paul Anka posts.

Document: Entrance Exam for Membership in Paul Anka's Band 

Please mark your answers clearly with a #2 Pencil. You will have exactly one hour to complete this test, 30 minutes for the multiple choice section and 30 minutes for the essay or "free response" portion. Use your time wisely. Incorrect answers will be counted against your score.

1. Which of the following do you believe would constitute acceptable upper-body clothing on stage?

a) Dress is strictly come-as-you-are

b) T-shirts are acceptable

c) Fucking T-shirts are acceptable

d) No upper-body clothing is necessary; Mr. Paul Anka only requires that your genitals be at least partially covered

e) The guys get shirts

2. Hypothetically, suppose you are the pilot of a plane. You wish to land your aircraft safely. What do you look at?

a) The instruments only

b) The fucking runway, to make sure it's fucking there

c) Both A & B

d) Mr. Paul Anka, to see if his arms are raised to indicate the cut-off to the song I'm Not Anyone

e) All of the above

3. Mr. Paul Anka says he wants ideas from the band. What do you think this might mean?

a) That he wants ideas from the band

b) That he doesn't want any fucking ideas, he wants to know what went wrong and how to fix it

4. Who are you watching?

a) Joe

b) Graham

c) John

d) that guy the other night that cost Mr. Paul Anka twenty or thirty fucking grand because he was short labor and the crew got fucked

e) Mr. Paul Anka

5. Suppose Mr. Paul Anka informs you he wants something done a certain way. Which of the following do you believe is an acceptable alternative to Mr. Paul Anka's way?

a) any way-- Mr. Paul Anka promotes an atmosphere of freewheeling improvisation

b) any way that gets the job done-- Mr. Paul Anka rewards creativity when combined with discipline

c) Joe's way

d) Vinny Falcone's way

e) "the highway"

6. Who is the only important one on that stage?

a) Graham

b) John

c) "the Trombone Player"

d) We're all equally important

e) Mr. Paul Anka

7. In what sense is the band important?

a) in every sense

b) in almost all important senses

c) in most senses

d) in some senses

e) the band is only important "in the totality" -- Mr. Paul Anka is the only important one on that stage

8. A Three Part Question. For each question, assume Mr. Paul Anka gives you a job.

i. Do you like your job?

a) Yes

b) No

ii. Well, do you want to keep your job?

a) Yes

b) No

iii. Well fucking answer me. Do you?

a) Yes

b) No

9. Which of the following attributes do you feel it is most important for a bandmember to possess?

a) heart

b) substance

c) character

d) "conscious"

e) all of the above

10. Which of the following persons would most likely be deemed "indispensible" by Mr. Paul Anka?

a) "a promoter in the theater"

b) "the lighting guys"

c) "C.J. Powell"

d) Jesus Christ

e) None of the Above

11. Another Three-Part Question:

i. Do you understand where Mr. Paul Anka is coming from with integrity?

a) Yes

b) No

ii. Do you understand that's just the mood he's in? The fucking integrity-kick he's on?

a) Yes

b) No

iii. I'm not going to put up with this shit. Do you fucking understand that or not?

a) Yes

b) No

12. Assume hypothetically you become a member of Mr. Paul Anka's band. Your checks do not bounce; furthermore, you get full value on your money. Which of the following would you say best describes the level of your commitment to Mr. Paul Anka?

a) Just take the money and don't give a fucking shit about anything, because you've got no conscious, no heart, and no substance

b) Tell Mr. Paul Anka "I don't care," then finish the tour and and then you're gone

c) Support Mr. Paul Anka with all of the enthusiasm he's got for it

d) Give Mr. Paul Anka "full value" on your service

e) Both C & D

13. Again assume hypothetically that you are a member of Mr. Paul Anka's band. You've just finished a show, and Mr. Paul Aka feels that there is "a lot of loose shit going on here." At the subsequent post-mortem, what should you not offer Mr. Paul Anka?

a) "intelligent input"

b) "some fucking knowledge"

c) "intelligent fucking answers"

d) "integrity"

e) "confusion"

ANALOGIES. For Questions 14 and 15, select the answer which contains the word-pair which most closely shares the same relationship as the given word-pair.


a) exercise: swimming in a quiet lake

b) triumph: defeating an important rival

c) serenity: watching a peaceful sunset

d) transportation: riding an express train

e) satisfaction: reaming your fucking ass


a) love : beautiful woman

b) sing : difficult song

c) learn : young pupil

d) laugh : practical joke

e) slice : fucking hammer

(End of multiple-choice section. Please check your work on this section until the proctor instructs you to begin the free-response portion of the exam.)


You may now begin the free-response portion of the exam.

Free-Response Question: You will have thirty minutes to write essays in response to the following two propositions.

Proposition One: That's Just. The Way. It Fucking. Is.

Do you agree with this proposition? If so, why? If not, why not?

Proposition Two: You should make a fucking maniac out of Mr. Paul Anka.

What do you believe this proposition means? Do you agree or disagree with this proposition? Defend your response, drawing on your own reading or experiences for support.

EXTRA CREDIT: You may gain points by providing a thoughtful response to the following question:

Where's Joe?





Ace of Spades HQ-- The Ann Coulter Approved Blog 

We're so proud. Earlier today, Ann Coulter's site re-published our Condi Rice Top Ten list and linked us at the top of last Wednesday's article (the Condi Rice/Dick Clarke piece titled "Chair-Warmer On The Hot Seat").

That might not carry quite the same heft as Joe Conason's deeming Oliver Willis "just... plain cool," but we'll take it. For now.

Since a lot of people are coming over because of the Top Ten list (we guess), we put up our Top Ten Top Tens on the sidebar.

We know what you're saying-- constantly recycling and re-promoting old material is just too easy.

Precisely. Thanks for noticing!

UPDATE! The stupid links should all be working now. Sorry.

"The Way They... Surround a Story" About Flip Flops 

Aldaynet notes that CNN is finally on this whole flip-flop controversy.

They've got a list of flip-flops up and everything.

Except... they're not John Kerry's flips, which aren't mentioned on the whole site.

They're... George W. Bush's alleged flip-flops.

We know, we know-- we could knock you over with a feather.

Andrew Sullivan Flip Watch-- Mop-Up Edition 

Andrew Sullivan "concedes" that jeepers, maybe Bush shouldn't have fought those terrorists after all, given how "angry" he's made them.

This "concession" is made precisely on-schedule, as he lays the groundwork for a Kerry endorsement. As someone mentioned to us, "All Sullivan is waiting for is for Kerry to say 'Terrorism is Bad' before falling into a full-on swoon." Well, Kerry hasn't quite said that yet, but Andrew isn't waiting to move closer to the Kerry position.

Kausfiles is very surprised by Sullivan's concession. He ought not be. This concession has nothing to do with the War on Terror, and everything to do with gay marriage. He is a single-issue pundit, and he needs to deftly row-back all of his previous statements in order to less-awkwardly endorse John Kerry.

Sullivan's "rethinking" of the WoT was perfectly inevitable since the Massachusetts SJC decision came down, and it's silly for Kausfiles to pretend it's motivated by some new analysis by Sullivan on the issue.

Hat Tip: AllahPundit. He tipped us to this a couple of days ago.

Just to Let You Know... 

Don't forget-- we're still running a contest. We'll be handing out the prestigious "awards" -- or, rather, accolades -- for the best Paul Anka Haikus on Saturday.

There's some good ones already submitted, but not so good they can't be beat.

No entries will be accepted past 12:00am Friday night EST.

That's just. The way. That it fucking. Is.

Today's Top Ten 

Regarding the new liberal radio "network" (of four stations) Air America:

"It needs to be entertaining, it needs to be compelling, it needs to be laugh-out-loud funny," said Jon Sinton, a veteran of radio who is a founder of Air America, a subsidiary of Progress Media. "It needs to foster water-cooler conversation. You need people to go to work and say, 'Did you hear what Franken said yesterday?' " -- The New York Times, in its seven-thousandth promotional piece on the effort

Who are we kidding here? Al Franken has been at the edge of celebrity for thirty plus years and no one yet has ever said, "Did you hear what Franken said yesterday?"

We can't think of a single thing Al Franken has ever said that's worth repeating. And all we can remember at all is that Stuart Smalley daily affirmation we had to sit through four bazillion times.

Top Ten Things People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did You Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?"

10. "You know, in terms of pure aesthetics, I actually prefer the spork."

9. "Yo, Playah-- that Victorian ascot is the shizznat, Dog!"

8. "I know you're on the pill, but can't I wear a condom just this once? Why must it always be about your dirty needs?"

7. "It's this simple: if I can't put the vision I want on the screen, I'm not making this movie. And the vision I want is David Hasselhof."

6. "My scent? It's Nadler, the only perfume endorsed by 300-pound liberal Congressman Jerry Nadler-- a delicate yet sultry blend of cinnamon, pheremones and pork-chops."

5. "Topless dancers?!! The sign outside specifically promised me Stopless dancers. Now you instruct your staff to get off their break and put on some proper clothing or there are going to be consequences, my good man."

4. "When I move, I slice like a fucking hammer."

3. "There's something magical about riding the bus."

2. "Would I like to take a few minutes to discuss switching over to AT&T's new Friends and Family service? Would I! Would I ever!!!"

...and the Number One Thing People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did you Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?"...

1. "Who the fuck's Al Franken?"

Edit: Hey, we changed #5 to something better. So, if you want, check it out.

Jubilant Democratic Underground Posters Dance on Bodies in Streets 

In response to someone who says, "Damn the Iraqis:"

No, damn the corporate whores who are in Iraq to rape the corpse of Iraqi sovereignty.

The Iraqis had NO CHOICE but to be on the business end of "Shock and Awe" - These foreigners had EVERY choice not to participate in the pillaging of Iraq's wealth.
-- Frankly Fedup2


Why shouldn't they?

Those people did NOTHING to justify this unlawful and unwarranted invasion.

I do indeed pity the poor soul who was murdered and abused, BUT, had the bush regime not sought to enact its hitler-esque WWIII PNAC scheme that man would NOT have died, niether would have the thousands of US and coalition soldiers.

the PNAC SUCKS. Bush sucks. Don't like it? GET THE FUKC OUT OF IRAQ.

Remember when the 9/11 aftermath began? Remember how the good, kind Americans treated people of Middle Eastern descent? It wasn't pretty... and if the same thing happened here, that happened to Iraq, no one can tell me that there are not people here that would do the very same, disgusting things to the occupiers. I don't condone it, I don't excuse it, it's barbaric. But.. blowing their citizens to bits with our "shock and awe" was somehow less barbaric because it was a distant kill?-- Caliphoto

Bush made it a point to parade the corpses of Saddam's sons on television for all of the world to see -- one of the most disgustingly illegal, macabre and subhuman things I can think of any American President ever allowing. Even the fucking Nazi leaders were given trials after World War II -- we did not throw our own humanity, laws and civilization away -- even notwithstanding the crimes that the Nazis committed.


Attacking their country unprovoked, "shocking and aweing", and "eliminating" uncounted fucking thousands with overwhelming military might and superiority, the latest in aircraft (manned and unmanned) technology, unprecedented and disproportionate munitions, missles, tanks, aircraft, helicopters, ships, satellites, bombs, explosives, technology and other arts of killing -- backed by the most powerful nation in the history of the world -- are okay, but when one of the vanquished strikes back it is suddenly "murder?"

You can't be serious.


If you can't believe how "completely filled with hate these people are,"

then you haven't been following current events lately. Here's a little update. "These people" have had their country and their homes bombed, destroyed and/or invaded, uncounted thousands of people (including their friends and family) summarily annihilated, have been proselytized by subhuman garbage seeking to convert them to "Christianity," and can, at best, only look forward to a future of occupation and endless, bloody civil war, all of which -- make no mistake about it -- was the intended aim and consequence of the invasion by the Neoconservatives.
-- The Stranger

Why is it ok to mutilate corpses using missiles and bombs?

But its not ok to do it with hidden bombs along the roads?

Their reaction to killing Americans might be more understandable to us, if we had had our homes invaded in the middle of the night, had our wives and daughters felt up by the invading soldiers, had our sons dragged off to prison for no reason other than "suspicions", had a 70% unemployment rate, were promised the invaders would "leave" after Saddam was captured and then had the occupiers appoint puppets to run the government to the satisfaction of the invaders.

I'd be beyond pissed. I would be savagely hateful.

Frankly, I'm surprised at the restraint they are showing.
-- Jacobin

[One question: He would be savagely hateful? As opposed to his current emotional state?]

uhh... i counted 12 jubilant iraqis at the most. ... from the pictures i saw at least.

no matter how horrific these dozen or so iraqis are, i refuse to condemn the rest of them.

[Ummm, you're joining in their celebrations; why would you condemn them?]

Going getting tough on "Civilians" in IRAQ

You got to hand it to the "Civilians" in Iraq. Those mercenaries, CIA, Halliburton contractors, bodyguards,and other assorted servants of the corporations, although filling their pockets with loot, seem to be getting their asses kicked more often.
-- Saigon68

That's just a taste.

And get this: the moderators are wisely deleting/censoring the truly ugly posts wishing deaths on Americans. The stuff we're reprinting is the stuff the moderators let through as being, well, moderated in tone.

Islamist "Heroes" Celebrate 

Isn't it about time we suspended all economic rebuilding activities in Fallujah? Why did we have contractors in there at all?

Cordon the city off. No one in, no one out. Nothing but harsh military rule. And bring in a division of those Shias, whose hatred of the Sunnis we've heard so much about, to police the city.

The Islamist way of making "war" is simple: Kill, slaughter, butcher and maim, and then hide among the "civilian" population and cry when counter-measures are taken. They're not warriors, because they won't fight; they just kill and then run. And let's give up on this fiction that it's just a "few bad apples." The entire city shelters and supports these thugs; let's act on that knowledge.

DNC Rues Clues it Might Lose Jews -- Anew? 

Wouldn't that be mitzvah?

Yeah, this is the big shift that's perenially threatening to happen, and it's always only that-- a threat. Still, some big Jewish donors are defecting to the Republicans, and that's a good thing.

Via Alarming News.


Al Gore Gets New Cable Network... Funded by Jacques Chirac 

What a shock, eh?

Maybe Gore and Kerry should just come right and out and declare that Americans shouldn't vote for their own President. They plainly do not like the jury they've been given.

Tech-Troubleshooting with Paul Anka: Paul's Microsoft Windows Knowledge Base 

Select the Problem-Descriptor that most closely matches the problem you're having.

I installed a new driver for my hardware and it doesn't work. How to I go back to my previous driver?

Problem Resolution: What is the confusion on these endings? I don't get it. I don't get it. Do you understand that? What's it gonna be guys? Do you want fucking Vinnie Falcone up front? Do you want me to get a fucking conductor who will ride your asses? Do you want your jobs? Where's Joe?

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

I receive errors stating the setup is invalid or there are fatal errors when upgrading from Windows 98 or Windows Me. How do I fix this?

Problem Resolution: You will straighten up these goddamn cutoffs, John. You will get it straight. I'm the only important one on that stage.

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

I receive errors stating the setup is invalid or there are fatal errors when upgrading from Windows 98 or Windows Me. How do I fix this?

Problem Resolution: First order of business: No t-shirts on stage. T-Shirts! Didn't I say shirts? I gave you a list, you've got half a fucking list. Don't make a fucking maniac out of me. The guys get shirts. You understand that? The guys get shirts. That's just the fucking way it is.

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

What do I need to know before installing Windows XP?

Problem Resolution: You first start with getting your fucking list correct. You write it down so it fucking happens.

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

How do I create a multiple-boot system with Windows XP?

Problem Resolution: Let me ask you this: A pilot is in a plane and he's landing. He not only looks at his instruments, he looks down to see where he is. Who the fuck are you watching?

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

I receive a "Server Not Responding" error message when I try to sign into Windows Messenger. How can I resolve this?

Problem Resolution: Do you guys have anything to add to this but confusion? Do you have any fucking intelligent input to add? I'm the only important one on the stage. I'm warning you. Do you like your jobs? Well do you want to keep your job? Then put me some fucking knowledge in here!! Now give me some intelligent fucking answers.

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

I am having problems playing audio and video in Windows Media Player for Windows XP.

Problem Resolution: That's just the way it is around here. Do you understand that? That's just how fucking crucial this is. You will straighten this shit out. You will get it straight. I'm the only important one on that stage.

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

When I try to play audio or video, I receive a "Cannot play back the video stream" or "Unable to download the appropriate decompressor" error message.

Problem Resoultion: I'm giving you guys one week. I'm in rare form right now. If you're not going to support me with the enthusiasm I've got for it, it ain't gonna fucking work. I don't get it. I don't get it. You understand that? I don't get it.

Because if you don't feel embarassed by it, then you've got no conscious, you've got no heart, you've got no substance. Do you understand that? Then all you do is take the fucking money because you've got no integrity.

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

My monitor is flickering and shaky at the resolution I want it.

Problem Resolution: I am telling you that this job is on thin ice. When I fucking move, I slice like a fucking hammer. I have a new philosophy. I don't care if it's Jesus Christ. I am the only important one on that stage. You don't do it my way, then it's the highway. If things don't go the proper way with integrity, then no one's irreplacable here. That's just the kind of integrity-kick I'm on.

Is that good enough for you? Do you get that? Do you understand where I'm coming from with integrity?

Do you all like your jobs? Do you want your jobs? Do you? If you don't do the job, you're gone. That's just. The way. It fucking is.

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

I receive "An Unexpected Error (768) Occurred at Line 5118@ind:Xp\Client\Boot\Setup\Setup.c" Error Message During Windows XP Setup. How do I fix this?

Problem Resolution: Where's Joe?

Did this Problem Resolution suggestion help you? (Y)es (N)o (R)eturn to the Knowledge Base

Ace of Spades Replay: Paul Krugman in The House of Love 

Yeah, it's too early to gloat about the upcoming jobs numbers due out later this week.

It's easy to gloat about a victory that hasn't yet happened. And that's why we do it-- because it's easy.

If it were hard, we wouldn't do it. We go for the cheap and easy stuff. We're not stupid, after all.

At any rate, this piece turned out to be a little premature when originally written. Premature-- or prescient?

You be the judge.

New Bush Ads: The Hits Just Keep On Comin' 

Karol/Spot On/AlarmingNews thinks Bush's new ads -- slamming Kerry for repeatedly supporting a $0.50/gallon tax on gas -- are fantastic.

We like them too. They're amusing, but they make a deadly point.

You know, we always heard that crap about candidates seeming a lot better before you knew much about them. We repeated it often. But while we acknowledged it was true intellectually, we never really "got" how true it was on a gut level.

When Kerry came out of the box in February, we've got to admit, he sure seemed like a pretty strong candidate to us. We admit: we were kinda scared. We didn't buy that spin that Bush would rather face Edwards in the election.

But the more these ads run, the more we begin to understand that Kerry has some serious political liabilities. Liberals like to talk about "pocket-book issues," but they seldom recognize things like higher gas-taxes as a pocket-book issue. But the American people do.

The DNC has to begin to wonder: Is it too late to draft Vinny Falcone as a candidate? And-- where's Joe?

The Coolest Link We've Ever Posted 

Again from TPW, "The French Spiderman."

Un-frickin'-believable. You'll be blown away.

Why can't all Frenchmen make 40 foot jumps from one high rooftop to another? If they could, we wouldn't be so down on them all the time.

One quibble:

"T-shirts! Fucking t-shirts!!! I'm two seconds away from firing you and replacing you with Vinny Fucking Falcone, I shit you not."

Andrew Sullivan Does a "Rowback" 

If you now check Sullivan's site for the Ron Rosenbaum piece, you probably won't understand our making fun of him for citing it as a "new polemic."

That's because he's rowed-back his previous statement. Rather than simply acknowledging he forgot reading the Ron Rosenbaum piece a year and a half ago, Sullivan just edits his post to now say:

"But I'm reminded of it today by this wonderful polemic by Ron Rosenbaum in the New York Observer, forwarded to me by a reader. Yes, it's old, but it reads as fresh today as ever."

Just an hour ago he was hailing it as actually "new." Not "as fresh today as ever."

This was a very minor mistake. Why couldn't he just acknowledge it? Why fix his error without admitting he'd made it?

How thin-skinned is this guy, anyway?

This is the guy who's constantly lecturing the world about integrity in reporting? Isn't he one of the people (rightly) demanding that NYT columnists acknowledge their errors in their columns, rather than simply "correcting" their mistakes in a follow-up column?

Mr. Paul Anka would certainly believe that there is a "lot of fucking loose shit" going on at Andrew Sullivan.

Bush Ads Spark Monster Turnaround in Battleground States 

Andrew "Oh my God, I just heard they've shot President Kennedy!" Sullivan links a genuinely new story that's worth reading:

A USA TODAY/CNN/Gallup Poll shows a remarkable turnaround in 17 battleground states where polls and historic trends indicate the race will be close, and where the Bush campaign has aired TV ads. Those ads say Bush has provided "steady leadership in times of change" while portraying Kerry as a tax-hiking, flip-flopping liberal. (Related item: Latest poll results)

The ads have been one factor in wiping away an inflated lead Kerry held in those states. Most of them have had primaries or caucuses that allowed Democrats to dominate the news and Kerry to emerge as a victor. In a survey taken in mid-February, Kerry led Bush by 28 percentage points in those states, 63% to 35%. Now Bush leads Kerry in them by six points, 51% to 45%.

In contrast, there has been much less volatility in states where the ads haven't aired. Kerry held a four-point lead in them in February; Bush holds a two-point lead now.

Ummmm, it's cool that Bush is up by six points, but did anyone realize that Bush was down 28 points in those states previously?

How did the liberal media miss that one?

By the Way: Guess USAToday's headline the first day it reported this poll.

Here's a hint: the poll in question showed a 10-point Bush swing over the past three weeks, going from six points down to four points up. Seems like an impressive enough swing to garner a headline, right?

But remember: this is the liberal media we're speaking about.

Give up? Okay, the headline was, Poll: Bush Credibility Down.

The poll's headline has now been changed to "Majority Supports Bush on Terrorism." But "Bush Credibility Down" was the headline it started with.


Thanks to Nick Kronos.

"Odub" Plays the Race Card 

You know, when a bunch of right-wing hacks who think calling someone "fat" (pretty soon, they'll notice I'm also black and nearsighted!) is the height of political commentary writes an unfunny 750 word blog entry on why they think I'm unfunny... you know you've arrived. -- Oliver "Poor Me" Willis

We don't remember ever making any sort of racist remark about you, OChub.

On the other hand, we have noted that you are:

1) untalented

2) unfunny

3) lacking in anything resembling insight or interest

4) "husky"

and yet

5) the undeserving beneficiary of Instapundit's constant early promotion of you.

It's the last point that rankles.

Why don't you deal with the criticisms actually made, rather than whining that people who find you useless are racist?

By the way, it's a bit sad that you think you've arrived just because a blogger who's been at this for three months has said what everyone else has been thinking. If that's you're idea of "arriving," you're setting the bar pretty low. And we expect you'll be "arriving" quite a bit more in the coming months.

Get some fucking integrity in your art. As Mr. Paul Anka says, "That's just the fucking kick I'm on."

John Kerry: It Depends on What You Mean By "Murder" 

Oliver Willis' hero, John Kerry (or, ahem, "JFK 2.0" as Roundy McHeartDisease calls him) says that US soldiers "murdered" Vietnamese civilians during the war.

Now he says he didn't mean "murder," really, and he also wasn't even talking about US soldiers.

Taco Flavored Kisses wants to know precisely who he was talking about, then.

The next post up is good, too.

Andrew Sullivan: Did You Hear? We've Landed on the Moon! The Moon, I Say! 

Would it be too nitpicky to point out that Andrew Sullivan links today to this "new polemic" by Ron Rosenbaum?

Would it be churlish to note that that "new polemic" 1) dates from October 2002, and 2) almost certainly was read -- or skimmed -- by Sullivan before and 3) was also almost certainly linked by him when it was, in fact, a "new" polemic?

Did he bother to read it the first time? How the hell can he not remember it? It was the talk of the blogosphere when it was published.

At any rate, whatever Sullivan's difficulties with comprehending and retaining written material, it's a great essay.

Ministry of Silly Links 

Here's a question that you've probably all been asking yourselves:

Question: I want to make my regular Dungeons & Dragons group seem really, really cool. Can I do so by mixing pictures of our gaming sessions with gothic-sounding house-music and some snazzy computer graphics?

Answer: No. Not even close.

A Follow-Up Question: What if we feature a nearly pornographic video of a chubby hand "seductively" opening a dice-bag and molesting a pair of d20's like they were polyhedron-shaped nipples?

Answer: Ummm, that would be even worse, quite frankly.

We're sorry, guys. But you just can't make D&D seem cool.

As Mr. Paul Anka says: "That's just the fucking way it is."

Breaking News: Oliver Free Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Story" Referencing Britney Spears 

B O S T O N -- In what is hailed by blogosphere insiders as a "milestone," Oliver "Free" Willis has posted his four-hundredth fake news story involving pop princess Britney Spears.

Britney Spears.

"Quite frankly, I'm surprised," commented one long-time Willis reader. "I didn't think the first seven or eight Britney Spears pieces were funny. The next forty or so were just totally lame, if I'm being honest. I sort of stopped noticing them altogether sometime last year. Are you sure you've counted right?"

"I just go where the magic takes me," said a beaming Willis at his shabby Boston walk-up.

"Pretty much any time I have nothing to say, I just sort of recycle the same lame 'fake news story' I've been doing for going on two and a half years now. Sometimes it's Britney, sometimes it's Beyonce. Sometimes it's even Mandy Moore. Once, when I was feeling especially frisky, I did one of them on underappreciated 60's bombshell Gina Lolabrigita. But nobody knew who I was talking about, so I just did a quick re-edit and changed it to Christina Aguillera. No one seemed to notice the change. At least, no one bothered to comment on it."

Not Britney Spears.

Willis' latest "fake news item" involves, somehow, Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh -- two very familiar names to those who study Willis' groaningly unfunny "fake news item" oevure. It is a standard riff of Willis' -- known as a "hack" bit among actual comedians -- to find some strained way to link an attractive young woman who appeals to the Maxim crowd, via some badly-conceived comedic premise, to conservative politicians.

Readers greeted the latest entry with polite indifference. "You mean there's an actual story that runs with the picture?" asked Nate McCoy, an infrequent visitor of Wills' site since he was led there by a malfuncting link on the Hustler's Honeys amateurs site. "I knew there was some text accompanying the pictures, but I didn't know we were supposed to actually read it. I thought it was just maybe some of that Latin gibberish they post on blog-template samples, you know, 'quod erat nunc' and the like, or maybe some random article he scanned in from Field & Stream. If those really are supposed to be articles, it seems like sort of a waste of time. I dunno-- how many times can you tell the same basic joke?"

But even some Willis critics could not help but compliment him on his accomplishment. "I never would have guessed you could get so much mileage out of the same bad material," gushed a spokesman for the Ace of Spades HQ blog. "He's like the Cal Ripken Junior of bad comedy. An ironman of unfunny. It's a testament to his perserverence. Or his incompetence. Either/or."

Willis is cagey when it comes to his future plans. "The great thing about blogging is that you never know what you're going to be writing about tomorrow. Every day is a new adventure, a new opportunity to explore interesting developments in politics, technology, culture, music, and literature. Every morning is a mystery in blogging. So I honestly can't tell you what I'll be writing tomorrow."

Then he flashes his trademark orca-grin. "Oh, I'm just fucking around with you-- I know exactly what I'll be writing tomorrow. An eight-hundred-word fake news item linking John Ashcroft to Jeri 'Seven-of-Nine' Ryan from Star Trek. It's basically a line-by-line rewrite of something I wrote last September, but this time, I'll be working in some hilarious Borg jokes my friend Stinky came up with. They're the absolute shizznat."

"And even better, the article will run with this awesome picture of Jeri Ryan. I shit you not-- you can pretty much see full-on camel-toe in this shot."

"People have knocked on me for just doing these dumb articles as an excuse to show T&A," Willis said. "Well, with this article I'm striking out in a whole new direction-- and that direction is vagina."

Willis said he will celebrate his 400th lame Britney Spears article the same way he celebrated his 100th, 200th, and 300th. "It'll just be me a small circle of close friends," Willis said. "We'll make a quick run to Arby's, and then 'chill out' by taking turns masturbating to the mid-eighties fantasy-adventure Willow. Joanna Whalley-Kilmer is fucking choice in that movie."

He tugs at his chin as he smiles wryly. "I think I just came up with this Wednesday's article. And next Wednesday's, come to think of it."


Ahmad Chalabi: The Saddam Hussein of the American Fifth-Column Left 

Josh Marshall and other lefties could hardly be bothered that Saddam Hussein was dictator of Iraq, but they've all got a massive hard-on about Ahmad Chalabi, don't they?

With all the multiple and mushrooming investigations of Chalabi and possible wrongdoing he may have committed, rather than continue to give him taxpayer dollars, perhaps we might better spend our time considering how to take him into custody while we're still the sovereign authority in Iraq and have it within our power.

Ah. Saddam Hussein should have been left in control of Iraq, but Chalabi should be arrested.

Josh didn't seem overly concerned with a bit of lawbreaking when Bill Clinton was President, now did he? Seems America can have a lawbreaker as CINC, but a third-world ex-tyranny shouldn't.

Why is it our "loyal opposition" is so accomodating to sworn American enemies, but constantly attacking American allies?

Maybe if Chalabi killed a million or million and a half people, he too would find a vigorous defender in Josh Marshall.

Clarke: Democrat Liar 

Two good updates (both via Kausfiles) on Clarke's deliberate deception to the 9-11 panel regarding his political affinity.

Real Clear Politics;


Ombudsgod, who demolishes the liberal press by showing that they all ran with the "Clarke is a registered Republican" claim based on Clarke's say so, with none of them apparently bothering to check if the claim was true or not.

Now, the New York Times and Washington Post both reported that Clarke was a "registered Republican." They cannot claim this was an irrelevant bit of information, because they are already on the record as implicitly believing it relevant-- not just relevant, but given prominent mention in their stories.

Will they correct the record?

Or will they deliberately allow their own false reporting to stand, in order to afford Clarke and the Democrats political advantage?

We have a feeling we already know the answer.

CNN Poll: Bush at 51% Among Likely Voters 

Via Drudge.

Bear in mind, of course: This is before John Kerry publicizes Dick Clarke's testimony via television ads.

We would not have guessed, though, that Bush would actually have increased in support through this period.

Who can figure this? Like we said before, we're gonna have a heart attack before this race is done. As Mr. Paul Anka says, "That's just how fucking crucial this is."

Dick Clarke Deliberately Misled 9-11 Commission on Political Affinity 

Excellent Kausfiles' catch!

We would link to Kausfiles' story, but he doesn't supply links to particular items. So it's his own fault if we plagiarize him a bit here!

Tim Russert asked Clarke who he voted for in 2000, and who he planned to vote for in 2004:

MR. RUSSERT: Did you vote for George Bush in 2000?

MR. CLARKE: No, I did not.

MR. RUSSERT: You voted for Al Gore.

MR. CLARKE: Yes, I did.

MR. RUSSERT: In 2004 you'll vote for John Kerry?

MR. CLARKE: I'm not going to endorse John Kerry. That's what the White House wants me to do. And they want to say I'm part of the Kerry campaign. I've already pledged I'm not part of the Kerry campaign and I will not serve in the Kerry administration.

MR. RUSSERT: Will you vote for him?

MR. CLARKE: That's my business.

Compare to what Clarke said to the 9-11 commission:

CLARKE: Last time I had to declare my party loyalty, it was to vote in the Virginia primary for president of the United States in the year 2000. And I asked for a Republican ballot.

We'll quote Kaus on the deliberate deception:

There's no direct contradiction--just a clear willingness to mislead. This doesn't encourage trust in Clarke when it comes to his bigger points. ...

P.P.S.: Clarke obviously voted against Bush in the general election and the primary! ... Update: Reader M.P. says he's watched Clarke say in interviews that he in fact did vote for McCain in the primary. So why try to con the Commission (or, more precisely, the Commission's TV audience)? ...

More at Kausfiles.

Paul Anka Haiku Contest 

Nick Kronos' use of the wit and wisdom of Paul Anka in song form gives us an idea: Why not put Mr. Paul Anka's beautiful words into haiku form?

A little contest, then: Put Paul Anka's words, or at least the spirit of his words (i.e., artistic license allowed) into the haiku form, the textbook 5-7-5 syallable scheme. Some allowances will be made for small deviations in syallable scheme. We'll pretend you're translating from the original Japanese.

Not every word or line needs to be a quote. But there should be at least one real quote the poem is wrapped around.

The crack staff of the Ace of Spades HQ Department of Comparative Poetry will judge the results, and make an on-line awards presentation on Saturday.

Just to get the ball rolling:

"Snow Falling on Black Lake"

I said no t-shirts

You're on thin fucking ice here

You fucking get that?

Note: No employee of Ace of Spades HQ, or their relatives, are eligible for the contest.

Sorry, We Can't Help It: We shouldn't be taking all the key lines, but hey, no one else is posting yet. You snooze, you lose.

That's just the fucking way it is.

We've decided to title this one "White Crane Hides in a Thresh of Lilies:"

White Crane Hides in a Thresh of Lilies

You understand where

I'm coming from with integrity?

You got it too good

UPDATE! The difficulty of fitting in Mr. Paul Anka's key phrases into textbook format requires us to specify that there will be two (2) categories for the contest:

Category One: There's a lot of fucking loose shit going on here. Haikus which deviate just a touch from proper meter will be judged in this category.

Category Two: Do you fucking understand where I'm coming from with fucking integrity? This category will be open only to haikus showing no signs of "loose shit going on," i.e., perfect format.

Please indicate which category your entry fits into. We really don't feel like counting syllables.

Don't make a fucking maniac out of us.

"[Expletive] Middle Eastern Brown Person" Lied About "Hate Crime" 

Via the Via Florida Cracker, who's been all over these faked-hate-crime stories that the media ignores, this tale of Rayan Malik, who claimed that "four white men" beat him while shouting "[Expletive] Middle Eastern Brown Person."

He has now admitted he made the whole thing up.

The cops' first tip? The claim that four white men, assumedly fluent in English, called poor Malik an "[Expletive] Middle Eastern Brown Person."

A simple suggestion:

If "hate-based" crimes are so much worse than normal crimes, and are to be punished more serverely, aren't false accusations of hate-based crimes also much worse than normal false accusations, and shouldn't they, too, be punished more severely?

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