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4.24.2004
Shock: NYT Columnist Condemns Anti-Christian Bigotry
We don't read Nicholas Kristoff, but The American Thinker does.
And he notes Kristoff making the altogether unexpected complaint that liberals really ought to practice "tolerance" and "inclusion" as regards Christians if they expect the same in return. This would seem to be a fairly major heresy in the liberal secular evangelicalism (a sub-creed of "transnational progressivism," as Steven den Beste terms it). We know what the response will be. It will be the same response as it always is: But our particular bigotry and hate is "different," because it's warranted and justified. There aren't many bigots who think their own personal hatred is not "different" and "warranted" and "justified."
Liberal Economists Rue "A New Decade of Greed"
Booming Job Market Will Force Many Underemployed Americans to Choose Between Over-Time and Leisure-Time; Women, Minorities to be Hardest Hit
W A S H I N G T O N -- Stung by the realization that President Bush will accomplish something never attained during Bill Clinton's "Miracle Economy" -- nine months straight of above-4% annualized GDP growth -- liberal and progressive economists announced the start of "A New Decade of Greed" which would rival that of Ronald Reagan. "For many Americans, this will be a 'Nightmare Economy,'" blustered liberal blogger Brad DeLong. "For two long years, underemployed recent college graduates have been living on their mom's sofa in relative comfort. And when that kid's mom said, 'Hey, why don't you start looking for a job, instead of watching SuperFriends re-runs all day?' he could always say, 'But Ma, look at the economy.' And that was a good excuse. But now-- with the economy generating 300,000 jobs per month, I don't know what that kid is going to say to his mother anymore. "That kid is going to have to take that job at Morgan Stanley that he really doesn't want, and he can blame Karl Rove for that. It's positively disgusting for the Republicans to divide son from mother like that." Mr. DeLong sighs. "And Bush promised to be a 'uniter, not a divider.'" Princeton economist Paul Krugman expressed similar misgivings. "What you have here is the unabashed unleashing of the forces of greed and repression," the diminutive dean said from his Princeton office. "All of a sudden, you're going to have businesses turning in big profits and hiring all sorts of new people. And that's just terrible, because, honestly, I've pretty much staked what's left of my reputation on a depression." "It's would be a perversion of the natural business cycle to call this a 'recovery,'" said Robert Reich, the Secretary of Labor under Clinton, and also the answer to the trivia question "What bearded, gnome-like liberal economist is even shorter than Paul Krugman?" Reich scoffed at the suggestion that the ecomony was "booming." "The natural, textbook business cycle consists of a 'Decade of Greed' when a Republican President presides over a booming economy, followed by 'the worst triple-dip depression since Herbert Hoover' when a Republican President presides over a recessionary economy," Mr. Reich said. "That is then followed by a 'Miracle Economy When Everyone Gets Rich But It's Okay and Not Greedy At All Because Everyone is Very Progressive-Minded and Thinks Nice Thoughts About Greenpeace So There's No Reason to Feel Guilty About the Homeless Anymore,' and that of course is what we had under Clinton." Reich shakes his head sadly. "'Recoveries,' 'booms,' 'decades of prosperity' and the like simply do not happen under Republican Presidents. Only Democratic Presidents can have a 'Miracle Economy.' With Republican Presidents, it's either Hooverville or a Decade of Greed. The former is bad, but the latter is really bad, because sometimes the public mistakenly assumes that a 'Decade of Greed' is actually just a period of wealth-creation and prosperity. And sometimes our friends in the media just aren't able to effectively explain the difference to the public, try as they might." A completely random survey of a representative cross-section of moderate independent voters -- conducted at the Union Square Starbucks right after a Tori Amos "Rock for Vaginal Awareness" concert -- found that most Americans had a great deal of anxiety about the coming New Decade of Greed. "Where all of these so-called 'new jobs' being created?" asked Susan Estrich, a completely apolitical college professor and political strategist who has in her past worked for both parties (the Democrats and the Greens). "So where are these jobs? In India? In China? In some backwater hillbilly state where cell-phone coverage is indifferent at best?" "I'll believe that the economy is growing at a nearly 5% rate like I believe in those 'Weapons of Mass Destruction,'" said Paul Begala, a moderate, independent television personality with no strong political leanings. "You know, they just make up those numbers," Mr. Begala explained. "They just flat-out make them up. If you look closely, you'll see they're always stabbing themselves in the thigh with a thumb-tack when they announce those numbers. And do you know why? That's to stop them from giggling. Without that tack sticking in their leg, they'd be giggling like retards at the zoo." "This is the most reckless, irresponsible, arrogant, unilateralist administration in American history," said swing voter John F. Kerry, who said he is currently an "undecided voter" and "needs more information" to choose between President Bush and himself. A high-ranking Bush Administration official just smiled when told about the announcement of a "New Decade of Greed." "Well," the official said, "I guess that means we're winning then."
First Time in Ten Years Growth Has Beaten 4% For Three Straight Quarters
Sorry for the double-siren. But this is a huge story that completely rubbishes all previous assumptions about the 2004 election. We're not just being optimistic, or trying to bait liberals. This is a sea-change. CBS MarketWatch's headline, not ours: First-quarter GDP another scorcher WASHINGTON (CBS.MW) -- For the third quarter in a row, U.S. economic growth has exceeded all expectations. Following a blowout third quarter and a very strong fourth quarter, most economists expected the economy to pause just a bit in the first three months of 2004. Instead, growth apparently accelerated, boosted by consumer spending, business investment, housing and inventory stocking. The first estimate of first-quarter growth will be released by the Commerce Department on Thursday morning. The report is the highlight of another fairly busy week on the economic calendar. Economists surveyed by CBS MarketWatch expect, on average, annualized growth of 5 percent in the first quarter after 4.1 percent growth in the fourth quarter and 8.2 percent in the third. See Economic Calendar. It would be the first time in 10 years that growth exceeded 4 percent for three straight quarters.
4.23.2004
Actually, there's little need to substitute our own headline for this piece. Let's go with the AFP headline:
Sizzling factory sector data shows US economy in high gear WASHINGTON (AFP) - A blockbuster report from the factory sector shows the US economy is shifting into high gear, portending an end to the period of super-low interest rates, economists said. The Commerce Department (news - web sites) said Friday that US orders for big-ticket "durable goods" jumped by a surprisingly strong 3.4 percent in March after an upwardly revised 3.8 percent gain in February. The reported orders for long-lasting items such as airplanes, cars and washing machines shattered Wall Street estimates for a 0.7 percent rise and suggested the US factory sector is stronger than believed. ... "The economy is now firing on all cylinders. Consumers are spending, business investment is ramping up, exports are rising and inventories are being rebuilt," said Sung Won Sohn, chief economist at Wells Fargo Bank, pegging first-quarter economic growth at five percent. In related news, Princeton Paranoiac Paul Krugman was said to be "exploring" the idea of departing from the field of economics and opening his own hair and nail salon. "Right now the only thing holding me back is coming up with a 'cute' name for the business," the li'l liberal said. "It seems sort of a rule that you need such a 'punny' name for a nail salon. And all the good ones are already taken. Right now I'm playing around with 'Nailed by Our Extremist Theocratic Fascist Overlords,' but I don't know if I can fit all that on a sign." Oh, and there's just one more thing: Sorry to pop back in like Columbo, but we thought it was worth noting that... ...the election is over. On April 23, 2004, Bush won the November 2, 2004 election, winning over 300 electoral votes. Congratulations, President Bush! (The only caveat here is this: A terrorist attack which either derails the economic boom, or seems to be of the sort that Bush should have prevented, will make the election competitive again. Barring that: It's over.)
Document: Itinerary for Democratic National Convention
One of Donald Luskin's readers apparently discovered the top-secret document left behind on a Starbuck's table.
(This is a humorous piece. It's not real.)
The "Arab Way of War"
The Belmont Club traces it to Algeria:
A generation obsessed with Vietnam was blind to the fact that the Algerian war provided a far more powerful model of offensive action against the West than Indochina. It was always impossible for Giap to transport his coolies and NVA regiments overseas, but it was clearly feasible, indeed only a matter of time before the Arabs extended their operations overseas. And extend it they did. The methods of assassination, terrorism, intimidation and political warfare rapidly became internationalized, reaching Europe as early as 1972 during the Munich Olympics. It took easy root in the secret societies of the Middle East and spread outward from there. When radical Islamism found its confidence in Afghanistan and its money in Saudi Arabia, it found its weapon in terrorism: the Arab Way of War. From the very beginning the plan of campaign was never strictly military. It was always politico-military, tuned to the internal weaknesses of the Western enemy. The French had been understandably evicted from Indochina by being militarily beaten by the Vietnamese. But the French had been ousted from Algeria -- part of Metropolitan France -- despite beating the FLN; that was the lesson and legacy of Algeria.
Slow News-Day Make-Fun
So, for the wymyn out there, and for our three gay readers (we're looking at you, "Gay Dean"), FloridaCracker's posting beefcake shots of Andre Agassi.
We've got half a mind to retaliate in kind. The only thing stopping us is, well, doing so would seem a bit Oliver Willis-ish. And we can't go down that road. We just can't. Slow News-Day? What about the death of Pat Tillman? We don't know what to say about this, exactly. First of all, there hardly seems much reason to post about it ourselves, since the story is on Drudge, which means everyone has read it. And we feel a little strange praising Tillman. Not because he wasn't a hero and the sort of man we'd all like to be if we could. But because there are hundreds of heroes just like him who've died in the service of protecting those of us less strong, less courageous, and less, well, good back here on the homefront. So we're confused about how to praise Tillman while also not seeming to denigrate the heroism and sacrifice of a thousand other heroes. Maybe it will come to us as the day goes on. Here's Something: Michele at ASV manages a decent tribute to both Tillman and the thousands of men just like him. Blaster also eulogizes Tillman. Tillman had a 3.84 GPA and graduated in 3 1/2 years. In addition to being a standout football player. Senator Pundit calls Tillman "Captain America." The title fits.
Beltway Boys Predict: Toomey in Upset Over Specter (R-Brigadoon)
We're bad at making predictions ourselves, but maybe Barnes & Kondracke are better.
The popular weekly political talk show "Beltway Boys" on the Fox News Network predicted an upset win by conservative Congressman Pat Toomey against Incumbent RINO Senator Arlen Specter. To the surprise of many inside the Washington DC beltway, a solid pro-life Republican who will support President Bush in judicial nominations and in tax policy is on the verge of an upset victory over the liberal Senator who has fought the President on both crucial issues. ... In the past couple of weeks the relatively unknown Toomey has soared in the polls and should be well in the lead by Election Day if the current trends continue. While Toomey has motivated supporters and turnout by conservatives should be very good, Specter has resorted to desperate tactics by encouraging liberal Democrat union members to register to vote as Republicans promising that they can immediately return to the Democrat Party. Mort Kondracke was quoted as saying, "I think Toomey's surge is largely due to the coveted Ace of Spades HQ endorsement. There are at least six Pennsylvanian regulars at his site, and at least two of them are registered to vote." But seriously: If you're a Pennsylvanian conservative, vote.
A Coveted Ace of Spades HQ Endorsement
Well, if you're reading the Internet at all, you probably know that conservative Pat Toomey is challenging "the Scottish Senator" Arlen Specter for the Pennsylvania Republican Senate nomination.
Our usual impulse is a conservative one. Not "conservative" politically, but "conservative" in pragmatic terms of "Who has a better shot of winning the actual election?" Specter gets only 42% lifetime rating from the ACU, but surely that's better than a Democrat would offer. But the hell with that. George Bush has made this an election of rolling the dice and betting big. Why stop now? The National Review lays out the case against Specter-- and man, is it a beaut. This man has been attacking the Republican Party from within for 20 years. It is time for him to go. Worse case scenario-- Toomey beats Specter, but then loses in the general election. Not such a big deal-- Specter could lose, too. And there would be a side-benefit. We're sick of liberal Republicans holding the party hostage. We keep re-electing them again and again, because we're afraid to jeopardize their precious seats and lose them to Democrats. Enough already. Simply defeating Specter at the primary level would send a clear, strong message to Lincoln Chaffee, Olympia Snowe, and the rest of them: Our support is not to be taken for granted; you are supposed to be representing your actual constituents, not trying to appear "reasonable" to the New York Times editorial page. Voltaire said the English used to randomly hang one of their admirals on occasion, pour encourager les autres ("to encourage the others"). Even if Toomey loses in the general election, we still win. Get the gallows ready for our Scottish Admiral Specter.
Andy Rooney? Or Joseph Goebbels? You Make the Call!
Travelling Shoes finds an eerie similarity between Andy Rooney's five questions for our soldiers in the field and five questions asked by the Nazis on propaganda leaflets.
Can you tell the difference? a. Do you think your country did the right thing sending you into [war]? b. Are you doing what America set out to do [], or have we failed so badly that we should pack up and get out before more of you are killed? c. Are you certain of finding a job if you get back to the United States safe and sound from the war? d. Do the orders you get handed down from one headquarters to another, all far removed from the fighting, seem sensible, or do you think our highest command is out of touch with the reality of your situation? e. If you could have a medal or a trip home, which would you take? f. Are you encouraged by all the talk back home about how brave you are and how everyone supports you? g. What security have you for your existence if you come back from the war sick, wounded, minus a limb, or even blinded? h. Is you family sufficiently provided for if you are one of the many who will never see American again? i. Didja ever notice how Jews are polluting the purity of our Volk-Blut? And didja ever notice that animalistic Negro Jazz is corrupting the morals our precious Aryan Jungen? Don't you think our youth should be listening to The Merry Widow and Wagner, rather than these unaussprechlich voodoo rhythms? And didja ever notice that it's hard to get the caps off of your hemmorhoid creams? And what's the deal with Gypsys and homosexuals? Okay, okay, so we made up that last one. How did you do on the others? Check Travelling Shoes' site to see how good you are at telling Andy Rooney from Joseph Goebbels! Hey! What about that rule that the first person to call his opponent a "Nazi" loses the argument? Well, obviously, we're not the first. There have been at least 18 bazillion Nazi-calls by the left in the past two years alone. Secondly, we didn't call Andy Rooney a Nazi. He's not a Nazi. It's just that his defeatist propagada seems, well, a little Nazi-esque is all. See? That's fair to do. Just like the mainstream media realizes it's rude to outright call someone a "racist," and so instead simply brands 90% of all Republicans "racially insensitive." You add a couple of superfluous syallables and bingo! You're sending the same exact message, but in more "civil" terms.
4.22.2004
John Kerry: "I don't own an SUV... the family has it"
That's John "I voted for it before I voted against it" Kerry responding to a question about the SUV kept at his Idaho mansion.
A rather thin distinction, to say the least. The man just gets more and more fucking nuanced every day, don't he? Thanks to Kausfiles, who is apparently thisclose to declaring Kerry all done.
Smells Like Teen Realignment
Kerry loses advantage in the vaunted "youth vote."
How can this be? Haven't the youngsters heard that... ![]() ...John Kerry rocks? In fact, he's been known to "rock the house." It's a win-win situation. Not only does Bush blunt the Democrats' historic advantage with the dopiest segment of the voting public -- sorry, young voters! But you know it's true, as a group -- but maybe MTV will see their attempts to animate young leftists are futile and perhaps even counter-productive. If we never hear "Choose or Lose" again, it will be too soon. Why is Kerry faltering with young people? We don't know. But let's talk out of our asses anyway: It's the standard, dopey Democratic play to get young people to vote Democratic by having their current standard-bearer break out the folksie douche-boy guitar and start acting all "mellow" and shit. Young people are not impressed by such jackassery. They don't think the folksie douche-boy guitar is "cool," particularly when wielded by a 65-year-old patrician douche-boy. It's not merely patronizing. It's not merely ludicrous. It's not merely a sledgehammer reminder that the person in question is not "cool," but is in fact as un-cool as one of your parents' dorkier, weirder accountants. The creepy one, the bald one with the long braided hippy-ponytail, the one that freaks out your girlfriend by seeming too interested in Ecstacy, GHB, rufies, and "whatever else you wonderful young folk are into these days." It's also blindingly inauthentic. Young people put a lot of stock in "authenticity" -- too much, really, we think. Nevertheless, some respect for real authenticity is warranted. Bush is not a hip guy. He couldn't be less hip if he had a full radical pelvic-ectomy. If you ask him what his favorite rock n' roll song is, he'll first blink at you as if you have three heads. And then, more likely than not, he'll say, "Oh, I really like Pac Man Fever. I like novelty songs with space-age computerized sound effects." Now that is a hopelessly un-cool response. But as un-cool and un-hip as that is, it is undeniably authentic. He's not putting on airs, not trying to play at being cool. If there's one thing worse than being uncool, it's making very clumsy and comical stabs at appearing cool. It's far better to accept and own one's uncool than to engage in sitcom-worthy Urkel-esque attempts to convince the world you're something you're not. Neither of these two soon-to-be-pensioners will ever be confused with being cool or hip. But only Bush has any appeal as an authentic guy, whereas Kerry looks like the manipulative, shallow, douche-boy patronizing pandering princeling phony he is. Addendum! But what about the issues?! We don't think most people vote on "the issues." Ideologues do, but they're -- or should we say, we're -- a minority. Most people vote on personality, affability, authenticity, character, and cultural affinity. People who drink chablis spritzers will vote for Kerry because they figure he's like them, and that he too drinks chablis spritzers. People who drink Budweiser will vote for Bush, because they figure he drank Bud, at least he did before he went off the sauce. People tend to vote on proxy-issues. They ask the question, "Which candidate is most like me/shares my values?" and then assume that the candidate most like themselves will vote the way they want on the issues -- or the way they would want on the issues, if they bothered too much to examine them -- and then vote for that person. It's not the best way to vote, but it more or less works with a small investment in homework and "issue" analysis. So the proxy issue for young voters is: Do I want to vote for the guy who thinks the height of rock 'n roll excellence is You Should Hear (How She Talks About You) by Melissa Manchester? Or... do I vote for... ![]() ...this braying jackass? We can't speak for young people, but we would say that at least You Should Hear has a bouncy, throwaway charm to it. John Kerry warbling All Along the Watchtowers just sounds like a fucking nightmare. Another Update! Keggin at Thunder Monkey brings this cornucopia of jackassery to our attention: ![]() All that's missing is Hero John knocking around a hacky-sack in his OP t-shirt and Vans.
Liquid Armor and Airborne Lasers
Liquid armor may provide state-of-the-art ballistic protection to future troops.
First integrated test of anti-ballistic laser-jet. And in related news... United States Marines express "interest" in John Fabulist Kerry's patented "flyin' Wonderdog" technology: Photo Credit: Allah Pundit's Flyin' Wonderdog Media Group
Jobless Claims (Yawwwn) Fall Again
Sorry to keep boring everyone with this dreadfully-dull news. We know it's dull, because the mainstream media won't report it. What other reason could they possibly have?
At any rate: WASHINGTON - Fewer people signed up for jobless benefits last week, a sign that companies are feeling less inclined to slash their work forces now that the economy is rebounding. The Labor Department (news - web sites) reported Thursday that new applications filed for unemployment insurance dropped by a seasonally adjusted 9,000 to 353,000 for the week ending April 17. The decline, which came after new applications rose sharply in the previous week, left claims at a level that was higher than the 340,000 analysts were expecting. Still, the overall trend in new jobless claims filings has been a slow drift downward. Claims hit a high last year of 444,000 in the middle of April. This year, new filings for jobless benefits each week have managed to stay under 400,000, a sign that the jobs market is getting better, economists say. ... In related news, a clearly-deranged Paul Krugman was spotted shambling in a local 7-Eleven parking lot wearing nothing but an adult diaper and a Viking helmet, screaming at terrified schoolchildren. Police said his words were incomprehensible, but seemed to be a mixture of John Kerry campaign slogans, standard lunatic gibberish, and Hungarian Gypsy-curses.
Which "Which Are You?" Quiz Are You?
You are a wise-cracking loose-cannon who plays by his own rules. You're the "Which Vega$ Character Are You?" Quiz. But you have a mix of real anger. So you are also partly the "Which Falling Down Character are You?" Quiz.
No offense-- but is anyone as sick to death of these "Which Character are You?" quizzes as we are? Didn't they sort of jump the shark some time ago? Maybe we're just annoyed that we turned out to be "Mel" in the "Which Alice character are you?" quiz. We always saw ourselves as more of the well-kiss-my-grits type.
Now Here's Some John Kerry-Style Diplomacy![]() All right, all right. You can have your nukes. But I draw the line at anal... Why are you giving me that look? What have you heard? Hat Tip to GregD and RDBrewer.
Kerry Rues Clues He Might Lose Jews-- Redux
There's an angle on it this time 'round:
NEW YORK - Major American Jewish organizations are praising President Bush (news - web sites)'s support for Israeli plans to withdraw from Gaza and maintain some settlements in the West Bank-- but a few groups are criticizing him. Jewish voters are being courted by both Republicans and Democrats, but many Jewish groups see little difference on Israel between Bush and challenger John Kerry (news - web sites). Give it time. Bush has telegraphed his punch, here. His prominent mention of the murder of innocent Jews in his press conference shows his hand. He'll be making the differences stark. More on this at the end of the quotes. The president was blunter than his predecessors in supporting Israel on settlements, borders and the Palestinian refugees' right to return to homes they lost in Israel's 1948 war for independence. Arabs are outraged, saying it confirms their view that the United States isn't an unbiased go-between in the conflict. ... Abraham H. Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation League, called Bush's new position, set down in a letter to Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon (news - web sites), "a bold and historic step." In 2002, Bush broke taboos by endorsing Palestinian statehood, and now he has broken taboos by saying the Palestinians will not get everything they want, Foxman said. .... Foxman said he sees overwhelming support for Bush and Sharon in the American Jewish community but expects Israel to be just one of many issues for Jewish voters in the November presidential election. Okay. We think Bush is making all the right moves substantively, but it doesn't hurt that he's making the right political moves, too. Bush can pretty much write off the Arab-American vote. He's not going to win Michigan anyway, if the current polls hold. Will he win the Jewish vote? Of course not. He'll make some inroads, but the Jewish vote will largely remain Democratic. But here's the interesting wrinkle: Ralph Nader is anti-Israel. Oh, wait, not "anti-Israel," our mistake. He just thinks we should have "balance" and an "even-handed approach" in the ongoing dispute between Palestinians who want to kill Jews and Jews who inconveniently wish to continue living. There is a limit to how closely Kerry can attempt to track Bush's pro-Israel moves and rhetoric before he begins losing hard-core "anti-war" pro-Palestinian votes. Israel is a wedge issue. Not a huge one, but a useful one nevertheless. Kerry can't keep both his Jewish Democratic supporters and his "anti-war" Rachel Corrie Brigades equally happy simultaneously. He can try to fudge it, but people are getting hip to Kerry's vacuous double-talk. Even Kerry's slavish love of our "great friends and allies" might come under increasing scrutiny from Democratic-leaning Jews. At some point, Jewish supporters of Israel just might notice that the "great friends and allies" Kerry is always on about seem to want Israelis isolated, condemned, and made to apologize for their continuing stubborn insistence on simple survival. Bush will press the issue, because doing so forces Kerry to talk more about it, and the more Kerry talks about it, the more voters he'll lose from one pool or another. Try as he might, he can't be, as usual, on both sides of the issue at once.
Jon Bon Jovi ("Who?!") Rocks it Old School
Liberal-activist-slash-talking-wig Jon Bon ("Who?!") Jovi moderately-entertained the liberal troops at a recent Kerry rally. His rousing solo performance of You Give Love a Bad Name was said to generate "a smattering of half-hearted applause."
AllahPundit, Who is Wise and Mighty and Gets Tickets to Everything, was there to snap pictures. The picture from the main event is great, but the snaps from the after-party are downright hilarious. Amazing Update! John Kerry can really "rock it out" too, damn it! Alarming News has a hilarious Kerry campaign ad which you'll think must be a photo-shop-- but it's not! It's from Kerry's actual campaign site.
Up, Up, and AwayThe markets seem to be figuring out that the threat of rising interest-rates somewhere down the road is a bit less important that surging profits, increasing jobs, rising productivity, and an all-around roaring economy.
One of the "Foreign Leaders" Kerry Met: Convicted Sinn Fein Terrorist Martin McGuinness
Boston Irish, who's sadly on hiatus, was on this when it first happened.
But Ipse Dixit is on it now, and it remains important.
Spielberg to Make Film About Munich Olympics Massacre
Spielberg is just about the only director with the clout to make a film about such a "controversial" subject.
It's sad that in most of the world-- and in broad swaths of liberal America -- it remains "controversial" to insist that butchering innocent Israelis is somehow "wrong." We suppose we should have some fear that Spielberg will make this into a "Why do they hate us?/Must be something we did" PC-fest. But we think that's pretty unlikely. Sure, he'll have to nod in the direction of Palestinian "rage." But we don't think the guy who made Schindler's List is going to end up suggesting that, while it was wrong for Hitler to engage in genocide against the Jews, the Palestinians really do have a legitimate grievance justifying murder. Big Questions: Will Spielberg make a point of showing the assembled athletes from all over the world smoking pot and listening to music while their fellow athletes were slaughtered? The other athletes were, by all accounts, blithely unconcerned about the butchery. It would make a very nice statement about the elite's lack of concern about mere Jews being killed by terrorism. And will Spielberg deal with the especially "controversial" story of the German government arranging a fake-hostage situation as a pretext for releasing the Palestinian terrorists? We gotta think that at this point the man is rich enough to have purchased himself some guts.
Mike's Message![]() Hi, gang. Michael Moore here. I had an interesting encounter in a diner and I thought I'd share it. So me and Joe Palooka are sitting around at Mavis's diner talking. Joe looks at me. His eyes are wet with anger. I push a large joint of mutton down my enormous feeding orifice. The bones crack and pop like July fireworks as my massive tusks rend the meat and work the bone into a thick paste. "How could they do this?!?" Joe wants to know. His hands tremble, as if palsied. "How could these rotten bastards push Saddam Hussein out of office?!" It's a good question, no doubt. I wish I could answer it. I wish I could answer another question-- How can I eat this cheesesteak, this Monte Cristo, and that four-gallon tank of pork lard simultaneously, when I have only two hands? "Saddam Hussein was just an innocent genocidal madman," Joe sniffs. "He never did any arm to anyone. Or, at least, not to anyone I know." Joe's a sensible man. That's a rare quality these days-- sense. I'd like to tell him I respect his common sense, but I can't speak, as I currently have my entire ginormous freakhead stuffed into the rib-cage of dangling cow-carcass. I make animalsitic noises and rend with my powerful, overdeveloped jawmuscles, bulging and rippling like those of a sabre-tooth tiger, as I ponder my friend Joe. I slice through bone and tendon and tough cartilege with my wickedly angled, sharklike incisors, sending bone-bits and glistening black puddings of coagulated intestinal blood sailing across the diner with each feral bite. A pack of Guatemalan-Indian boys come into the diner, speaking Spanish. Or gibberish. Who can tell the difference? They walk over to me and ask me to lift my t-shirt. "What's this about?" Joe wants to know. I lift my shirt and the boys begin scraping along the insides of my luxurious rolls of corpulent fat with old playing cards. One boy gently lifts my massive man-titty and collects a big dollop of a yellowish substance that resembles spoiled soft cheese. "Oh, I'm just doing my bit to help a downtrodden minority," I explain to Joe. "The Indians have discovered that the pungent, semi-toxic munge that collects on my unwashed body is a powerful psychedelic drug of some sort. Ingesting my creamy sweat brings them to death's door, but it assists them in reaching the proper mental state for dream-quests." "Sort of like peyote," Joe offers. "My munge-cheese kicks peyote's ass to hell and back," I say with some degree of pride. "They call it La Mantequilla del Diablo-- The Devil's Butter." The boys end up filling an emptied grout-bucket with my powerful psychotropic man-filth. They thank me profusely, and then leave. They'll be having some powerful dream-quests tonight -- I can smell that I'm especially rancid today. "It's the least I can do in George W. Bush's Amerikkka," I modestly explain to Joe. "I don't even recognize America anymore," Joe sniffs. I wipe a turkey drumstick from the corner of my eye. "It's all right, Joe," I say, or rather that's what I attempt to say. My words are interrupted by the squawkings of a live chicken which somehow manages to escape my all-consuming maw. "There will be an election in November," I console Joe. I have now sprung to my feet in order to seize the escaped chicken. The fat ripples along my elephantine haunches as I coil to leap, lethal energy gathered to spring in a frozen moment, like the cocked hammer of a gun. A really fat gun. "Never give up hope," I advise Joe as I leap over the assembled humanity in the cramped diner, my claws sprung out and shiny-deadly, my lard-dimpled jowls flapping in the indifferent April breeze. The chicken dodges a slash from one of my mammoth fore-limbs. It dives beneath the seat of a six year old boy, a ruddy-cheeked, haystack-haired, gap-toothed reminder of what this nation is all about. The boy is inconveniently providing cover for the miscreant fowl, so I snatch him up with one sweat-drooling meat-paddle and I drop him, alive and screaming in abject terror, down into my waiting throat. My roiling gastric acids will take care of the kid. I've got no time to chew him. The chicken runs. "I'm hoping Wesley Clarke joins the ticket," I tell Joe as I bite out the throat of the boy's mother, who has, as you might well imagine, sprung to her feet to protest my devouring of her sparkled-eyed tyke. I slurp her still-pulsating gizzards down my slavering maw. "That would give us two candidates with combat experience, which our Idiot King Dumbya of course does not." The chicken scampers over the well-worn hospital-green tiles of the ancient diner. It ducks through the doorway and exits to the street as a truck-driver enters the place. Angry at the clumsiness of the truck driver, I snap at his head with my yawning pink vortex of saliva-drooling death, severing his head and neck at the clavicle. His body spews a riotously crimson fountain of blood at the ceiling, like he were some liquid roman candle. The hot blood splatters on the diner's windows and steams. "But November is such a long way away," Joe calls after me, but I'm on the street now, waddling like an enormous Sumo wrestler with a wedgie, my dainty-tiny feet pounding into the cool asphalt like fleshy jackhammers. I hear the telltale whine of jet-engines-- F-15's, I'm sure. I've heard them before. I hear them everytime I go out on a citywide rampage. I'll hear the rumbling of National Guard troop carriers soon enough as well-- a platoon of "mercenaries" out to chill my right to dissent. And my right to feed on human flesh. "November is virtually tomorrow," I call back to Joe as I stoop to the ground to bite the mid-body out of a policeman's horse. Intestines ooze and slither out of the gaping wound like wet, grisly Slinkees. "It's just tomorrow. Just plan, and organize, and don't stop thinking about tomorrow!" The F-15's scream down from the sky as they begin their attack run. My brunch with Joe will have to wait. I leap into the cool, slimy waters of the East River as the air-to-ground missiles slam into the cityscape behind me. The filthy river greets me like an old lover. A murky, green lover that smells of cabbage, burnt engine oil, and feet. It smells like... freedom. The chicken has escaped. But George Bush will not. Washington DC is only a few days' swim from New York. And I am hungry. .... Hat Tip to Nick Kronos who originally wrote the Jimmy Breslin parody this is a variation of. He also tossed us the best line in the whole thing, "miscreant fowl." A Happy Accident! Serendipidously enough, Drudge just posted a story about Mike Moore, Hero of the Workin' Man, outsourcing his website work to Canada.
4.21.2004
Islamist "Warriors" Engage and Destroy a Platoon of Schoolchildren
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