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Husky Huckster Michael Moore Goes on a Brunch-Time Death-Spree
Iraqi Nuke Gear Smuggled to Europe
Newsjackers Unite
Shock and Awe Revisited
Maureen Dowd Writes a Column
Paul Krugman Accidentally Tells the Truth
Europe: Let the Palestinians Finish What We Began

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Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Kerry
NYT Headlines Spinning Bush's Jobs Boom
Things People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did You Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?"
Other Bad Things About the Jews, According to the Koran
Signs That David Letterman Just Doesn't Care Anymore
Other Judgments Dick Clarke Made About Condi Rice Based on Her Appearance
Collective Names for Groups of People
John Kerry's Other Vietnam Super-Pets
Cool Things About the XM8 Assault Rifle
Media-Approved Facts About the Democrat Spy
Changes to Make Christianity More "Inclusive"
Secret John Kerry Senatorial Accomplishments
John Edwards Campaign Excuses
John Kerry Pick-Up Lines
Changes Liberal Senator George Michell Will Make at Disney
Torments in Dog-Hell

the (nearly) Complete
Paul Anka

Primary Document: The Audio
Paul Anka Haiku Contest Announcement
Integrity SAT's: Entrance Exam for Paul Anka's Band
AllahPundit's Paul Anka 45's Collection
AnkaPundit: Paul Anka Takes Over the Site for a Weekend (Continues through to Monday's postings)

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A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)


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ABCNews' Unending Quagmire


Who's winning the war-- ABCNews or the facts? ABCNews continues making bold-but-risky advances, but they continue taking unacceptable levels of casualties from the large and growing army of undauntable facts constantly harassing them, sniping their reporters and sabotaging their psyops efforts.

ABCNews takes a big but difficult to defend position here. They attack the notion that Saddam's capture was militarily significant and assail the idea that the war in Iraq is winnable:

The likelihood exists that the resistance could intensify in a way similar to what occurred after the killing of Hussein's sons in July. Far from being a turning point for the better, their deaths plunged Iraq deeper into the throes of violent upheaval and turmoil.

ABCNews boldly proclaims a new plan of action. Well, not "new." It's the same plan they've been pimping for, oh, the last two years: We have to deputize America to Europe and the UN, and become the grunts and cannon-fodder for the wise decisions made by our intellectual and cultural betters across the Atlantic Ocean. In ABCNews' view -- and in the view of most American liberals and Europeans -- we live in a Planet of the Apes type world, with the UN as the Orang-Utans, the Europeans as the Chimps, and the brutish, stupid, violent Americans as the Gorillas, happily carrying out the orders given to us by our superiors, content to yield all decision-making to our more highly-evolved cousins.

But the "facts" are pummelling the ABCNews salient. Is it true that their is a "likelihood" of increased Iraqi resistance due to Saddam's capture?

From Yahoo News...

MOSUL, Iraq - A dozen former leaders of Saddam Hussein (news - web sites)'s Baath Party have handed in weapons caches in northern Iraq (news - web sites) to curry favor with the U.S. military and claim a role in a new Iraqi leadership, the commander of the Army's 101st Airborne Division said.

"They're coming to us, saying they want to be part of the new Iraq," Maj. Gen. David H. Petraeus said Thursday in an interview with The Associated Press. "It has slowly sunk in that Saddam isn't coming back."

It's sinking in among the B'aathist hardliners, but apparently it's not even begun to penetrate the perpetually, and pompously, furrowed brow of Peter Jennings.

Another Al Qaeda Drug Boat Siezed 

US forces have seized a ship loaded with 1.3 tons of hasish in the Persian Gulf. The proceeds from drug sales would have financed Al Qaeda terrorist operations.

Yeah, it's really crazy for the Bush administration to make the linkage between drugs and terrorism.

One thing you've got to say for potheads-- despite their frequently addled thinking, they sure know how to prioritize. They have a list of the most important issues facing society, and easy access to pharmacological luxury goods (i.e., mind-altering drugs) top that list by a wide margin. They focus on access to pharmacological luxury goods like a laser-beam, to the exclusion of virtually all else. They will let nothing at all -- certainly not these trivial effluvia we call "facts" -- in any way harsh their mellow.

Yes, yes, I know: Oil is linked to terrorism, too. But here's the difference: I admit that linkage. I do not scream at the top of my lungs that no such link exists, as the Pharmacological Luxury Goods Entitlement brigade does with drugs. And I simply point out that while the entire global economy depends on petroleum, drugs are, in fact, luxury goods, and as such unnecessary.

That doesn't mean they have no value-- they have no value to me personally, but I admit there are a lot of folks out there to whom their VERY valuable indeed. (Too valuable, in most cases.) But they are, yes, unnecessary, just as tobacco is unnecessary. You would freeze to death in the winter, and most likely starve to death during all other seasons, without petroleum to heat your homes or provide a cheap and plentiful energy source for transporting food throughout the world. In fact, without oil, you wouldn't have cheap luxury pharmaceuticals, either.

I can't see Western civilization coming to an end because the supply of high-quality hashish is interrupted. But an end to the flow of oil would plunge the entire advanced-economy world into a instant economic depression.

So continue nattering on, hash, coke, and heroin users. You are funding worldwide terrorism -- actual murders, actual human deaths -- in order to fulfil a rather decadent need for luxury pharmaceuticals.

FoxNews Breaking: Senate-side of DC Capitol Building evacuated due to possible bioweapon detection  

Probably nothing at all. Vigilance is important. So is staying calm.

Bush Plans to Slow Growth of Government 

Well, plans are one thing. Actually doing is another. But for what it's worth, Bush plans to trim domestic spending beginning 2005.

How much is Bush to be blamed for the runaway spending? Obviously, he should be blamed to one degree or another; he is, after all, the man who ultimately signs the appropriations bills. The man who occasionally threatens a veto, but never actually follows through on the threat.

I have to say, though, that it might just be possible that, given the one-vote majority in the Senate, Bush is partly held hostage by the first-priority need to actually govern. With such a razor-thin working majority, perhaps recalcitrant senators are able to extract more spending for local pork than they'd otherwise be able to-- and their pork provokes other Senators to get their pork, etc.

Bush has to get the budget under control. It is non-negotiable. Hopefully, he'll have three or four more Republican senators in 2005 and he'll be able to negotiate lower spending. If he does not, he will go down in history as the man who blew up the budget and really did threaten America's future prosperity.

A Question of Character: The D&D Guide to the Democratic Presidential Candidates [LINK MOVED]

The guide is now completed, and has been moved to the top of the page. Click HERE to go to the guide's new home.

Or just scroll up, you lazy thing you.

US Manufacturing Surges in November 

According to the Bloomberg News Service, the November ISM Manufacturing Index (a snapshot of the nation's factory activity) rose to 62.8, its highest level in two decades:

The Institute for Supply Management's factory index increased to 62.8 last month, the highest since 69.9 in December 1983, from a 45-month high of 57 in October. November was the fifth straight month of readings higher than 50, indicating expansion.

``We are in the midst of a sharp acceleration in factory activity,'' said Rick MacDonald, an economist at MMS International, a Belmont, California, forecasting firm, before the report. ``Manufacturers now have no choice but to keep up with ongoing strong demand given depleted inventory levels.''

Factories are benefiting from the fastest three months of U.S. economic growth since 1984, housing sales close to record rates and profit gains that favor business investment in plant and equipment. Deere & Co., the world's largest maker of farm equipment, is among manufacturers expecting demand to increase.

It's always important to beat expectations. And we did:

Economists had expected a reading of 58.2 in the factory index, based on the median of 64 forecasts in a Bloomberg News survey.

The rise in activity is driven especially by new orders, which exploded to 73.7 from October's level of 64.3, the higest since 1994. (Which was, near as I can estimate it, when the so-called "Clinton recovery" -- traceable back to the 1st quarter in 1992, when Bush I was President -- really began in earnest.)

But mere numbers do not employ blue-collar American factory workers, do they? Where are the jobs, Mr. President?

Oh, well, it turns out they're in there too. The manufacturing employment index shot up to 51 from October's 47.7.

Somewhere in South Dakota, I have to imagine that there's a shortish fellow feeling "gravely concerned" and "deeply saddened."

Buck up, chum. The expanding economy means you'll have plenty of offers for private employment come November 2004.

Al Qaeda's Deadly Dildoes? 

The source is the always trashy, frequently sensationalist, and consistently anti-American leftist tabloid The Mirror (UK). But this story, if true, is distressing in its implications.

Long story short, intelligence sources say that Al Qaeda has female suicide plane-bombers who intend to smuggle ten ounces of plastic explosives in their vaginas. They'd then take the explosives out in the privacy of the bathroom and detonate the plane. They'd like especially to blow up a plane over a major Western city-- Washington, DC is named in particular.

Airport security experts claim it's "impossible" to simply subject "all" women passengers to the sort of intrusive body searches that would catch out such snatch-blasters; they could not ask a woman to consent to such a search without extremely specific intelligence. And indeed, they're right.

This story, if true, puts the whole question of ethnic/religious profiling squarely before us, and this time, there's no wiggle room. If this is true -- and one wonders why it wouldn't be; indeed, the plan seems rather obvious -- then we are either going to have to routinely subject women from certain cultures and countries to this sort of intrusive examination, with no specific reason to suspect them other than the typical soft profile indicators, or else we're just going to have to live with air-travellers being killed by the hundreds every other month.

There is no ducking the question. We cannot ask every woman flier to subject herself to a gynecological exam before warning. And we also cannot live with planes exploding every other month.

I'm not sanguine about having to subject Muslim women to this indignity. It's intrusive, it's insulting, it's humiliating. But what else are we supposed to do? How many mass-murders can we bear before deciding that some humiliation is the lesser evil?

Update to Deadly Dildoes link

I'm sorry to make light of this, but, if we are no longer able to crack juvenile jokes in the face of mass-murder and psychopathic death cultists, then truly the terrorists have won.

From the Mirror's story, regarding Al Qaeda she-bombers smuggling explosives on to aircraft by hiding them in their vaginas:

Defence analyst Paul Beaver said: "We have got intelligence, I am told, that there was a plan to take the aircraft and destroy it over Washington or fly it into something."

Well. I suppose he'd be the one to know, now wouldn't he?

Governor Dean: "Distracted" from Guarding Vermonters against Al Qaeda 

Apparently Governor Dean's unilateral, obsessive drive to provoke "regime change" in the United States wasted precious resources and caused him to be "distracted" from the fight against Al Qaeda. A news report states that Vermont had one of the shoddiest security records in the nation during Dean's last year of governance.


Blogger BostonIrish lays down the law. 


Joe Wilson, the guy who drank "sweet mint tea" for eight days when he was supposed to be conducting a probe into Niger's uranium trade, further bolsters his credibility by detailing "heavy make-out sessions" with his wife.

Don't worry-- he absolutely protects the sanctity and privacy of their marriage. As far as I can tell, there is no detailed description of actually porking Valerie Plame, Super-Spy.

God. A fifty year old man still telling hero stories, and about his fucking wife to boot. Gee, Joe, did you go under the shirt, over the bra? I feel like I'm in the The Breakfast Club, but starring fat, old people.

Dean Suspicious of Timing of January 1st 

Dean: New Year 'Ball Drop' Timed to Benefit Bush -

(2003-12-31) -- The precise timing of the descent of a Waterford Crystal ball above Times Square at midnight tonight may be another example of Bush administration "stagecraft," according to Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean.

"The ball is a powerful symbol for America," said Mr. Dean. "And it's natural to ask 'Who stands to benefit from the appearance of stability and comfort that comes from the smooth, timely, joyful nature of this event?' First we catch Saddam, then Libya gives up its WMD, the U.S. economy is recovering...and now the ball drop. It's a brand new year...morning in America again. To suggest that this harmonic convergence of events was merely coincidental strains credulity."

Mr. Dean insisted he was not suggesting that George Bush personally coordinated the timing of New York City ball drop, "but it is an interesting theory that's out there," he said.

From the indispensible Scrappleface News Service.



First-Time Jobless Claims Lowest Since Clinton Administration 


Jobless Claims Lowest Since Clinton's Presidency 



Here are a few more examples of that "New Patriotism" I hear General Wesley "TimeRanger" Clark speaking about so often. From, a delicious little souffle of our New Patriots in action, wishing death on our troops, pining for the days when mighty herds of endangered Iraqi B'aathists thundered proudly over the plains.


Saddam Hussein, Superstar?  

This is a little late now, but no one else in the etherzone seems to have picked up on it.

Now, I think we're all by now quite used to people lining up to serve as character witnesses and country lawyers for Saddam Hussein, swearing on a stack of Bibles that he's perfectly innocent of this outrage or that.

But this is something truly special. Here we have a British writer comparing Saddam Hussein to-- well, let me not spoil it for you.

The author? Max Hastings.

The title? "Bush Wants Saddam to Hang, But We Must Resist."

The premise? That Tony Blair must stand up to Bush and not allow this poor soul to dance in the gallows.

The key quote? Get ready:

The president's personal odyssey touched a new low this week, when he asserted publicly that Saddam Hussein should die. After a fair trial, he says, Iraq's former dictator should swing or be shot, though Washington thinks it expedient to delegate Iraqis to do the business.

There will be no trouble with the British government about this scenario. Downing Street's line suggests a script originally written for Pontius Pilate. Tony Blair declares that what an Iraqi administration chooses to do with Saddam is absolutely no business of Britain's. If the powers-that-will-be in Iraq decide he should take an early bath on the scaffold, then what can Britain's prime minister do, save shrug?

Emphasis added.

Okay. Let's get this straight. Tony Blair is Pontius Pilate-- that connection is explicitly made. The United States of course is the Jewish rabble demanding an execution. (Funny, that-- It's always America. And the Jews.)

And who plays the role of Jesus Christ in this nasty little Christmas pageant Mr. Hastings has staged for us?

Well, la-di-da. The role of Jesus tonight will be played by Saddam Hussein.

Merry Christmas, huh?

Norm MacDonald Shrine 

For my (crossing fingers!) one reader out there, here's that Norm MacDonald link I was telling you all about.


Just a little Poe-parody we here at Ace of Spades HQ wrote. Be aware, the poem contains flagrant potty-mouth.

The Donkey

Once upon a midnight gloaming, my mouth agape and whitely foaming,

my frantic mind e'er roaming, roaming o'er outrages of liberal lore,

I gave my dork a playful slapping, setting my balls slowly flapping, but suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -

Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember, as the calender thinned e'er closer to November,

tugging at my flacid member, trying to forget the anguish Bush v. Gore,

But still I awaited new elections; - and vigorously I stroked my erections,

To fancies suiting my predilections -

dreams of Bush's eviction, thoughs of Cheney's Halliburton conviction,

the proof of quagmire prediction, and avenging the crucifixion of sainted Martyr Albert Alphonse Gore -

But all this was madness; dreams only and only dreams

and surely nothing more.

And so in thought, my schlong palm-wrought, the pulsing urgency of my cock demanded more

But my jacking had to be stopped; just as I was recalling a a feel I once copped

off Eleanor Mondale, in nineteen eighty-four;

And so having paused my bishop-beating, I stood there anxiously repeating

`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -

Just a guy from NARAL entreating entrance at my chamber door;-

Let me with my visions of the Daughters Gore.'

And so the pulsings of my cock grew stronger; and my weiner grew still longer,

but even now more urgently came the tapping at my door,

`Please!' I cried in frustration, `You're ruining my masturbation,

How can I continue stroking while you;re so insistently poking,

And so insistently poking, poking at my chamber door,

Thou hath spoilt my chicken-choking!' - here I opened wide the door; -

Darkness there, and nothing more.

Of that darkness deeply drinking, my dinky winky, e'er shrinking,

Thinking, thinking thoughts I'd scarcely dared to dream before--

But the silence was oppressive, and the Patriot Act so repressive,

And the only signal there expressive was the whispered word, `'04!'

This I whispered back, and an echo chanted back the word, `'04!'

Stiff I was, stiff like Albert Gore.

Back into the chamber turning, my choad within me burning,

Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.

`Surely,' said I, `surely something at my window chants;

Let me tuck my wiener into my pants, and with dork pant-sheathed let me this mystery explore -

Let give my prick a rest and this mystery explore; -

Let me venture, venture out beyond the safety of my door.

I stepped fearfully into the night, clutching throat and warding fright,

and then I smelled something foul, as foul as anything I'd smelled before.

For in the gloaming was something rank, filling my nose with a bestial stank,

and there a shadowy figure of imposing girth, sniggering with malicious mirth,

Surely it could not be--

husky huckster Michael Moore??!

Open here I flung the shutter, raging like a Earth-First nutter,

In there stepped a strange donkey, draped in a campaign poster for Al Gore.

Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;

But, without a word in passing, his butthole venting and gassing, he crapped a load of crap upon my chamber door -

Crapped upon my Restoration Hardware chamber door -

Crapped, and shat, and nothing more.

Then this wicked ass began beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

By the lunatic grin and crazy countenance it wore,

`Though thy droppings be upon my door, thou,' I said, `art sure not crass.

wild-eyed and lunatic ass wand'ring in from some Berkeley or Massachusetts shore -

Tell me what hath driven you from darkling domains to take a dump upon my modest door!'

Quoth the donkey, `Wait till 04.'

Much I marvelled this strange ass to hear discourse so plainly,

Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;

For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being

Ever yet was blessed with seeing talking jackass poop upon his chamber door -

crapping and shitting on the Mother Jones magazines lying near my chamber door,

shitting on the collected works of Cornell West on a shelf along my floor,

With such message as `Wait till '04.'

But the donkey, sitting lonely on the stoop, having now pooped out a stinky poop,

Spake just this command, as if his soul in this demand he did outpour.

Nothing further then he uttered - nor his tail he even fluttered -

Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have shat my door before -

On the morrow the ass will leave me, as my hopes have flown with Al Gore.'

Then the ass said, `Wait till 04.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,

`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,

Caught beneath our fascist chimp master, reeling from economic disaster,

Followed fast and followed faster till his brayings one burden bore -

Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore

Of 'Wait Till '04.'

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed by the donkey's anal censer,

the stink of donkey-floppings whisping o'er the bust of Howard Dean standing by my chamber door.

`Ass,' I cried, `by thy words thou hath pained me - by these poopstains hath thou stained me!

'Away, Strange Ass, away and bray no more, dismaying me with memories of Al Gore!

'I pray thee mercy and stop, stop reminding me of that Tennessean bore!'

Quoth the donkey, `Wait till 04.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, ass or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting, as the ass began loudly farting -

`Stop rubbing your ass all over my chamber door!

'Leave no brown loaf as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!

'Leave my loneliness unbroken! - stop crapping all over my floor!

'Take thy ass away from this place, and stop reminding me of Al Gore!'

Quoth the donkey, `Wait till 04.'

And that donkey, never flitting, still is sitting, still is shitting,

On the "Save the Whales" welcome mat lying by my chamber door;

O Cursed Ass! What mischief hath thou arranged, my fragile psyche thou hath ill deranged,

'from my mind hath thou all sense estranged, filling me with false hope that all might be changed,

'changed-- do not tempt me with fancies strange, that the fascist chimp might yet be exchanged

'for President Albert Alphonse Gore!'

And yet the evil ass still is sitting, his dirty ass ever shitting,

shitting o'er the crystal unicorns arranged upon my floor;

And dares me yet to dream, dream of taking the White House once more, of Borking judges on the Senate floor,

of paying unwed mothers, cutting the military like we've never cut before,

legalizing pot, hugging trees, and giving heroin needles to the poor,

My mind has become unhinged; I've joined the political fringe!

Just you all wait -- wait till 04!

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